I feel like I should write something because I haven’t written anything in a long time, but I don’t have a whole lot to write about…I’ve hit this point where I feel like my life is just static and it’s not interesting and I’m not interested and you’re not interested and everyone is just sitting around waiting for something to happen.
What’s the next big thing?
Show me the next big thing.
GIVE ME THE NEXT BIG THING.
I guess I’ve still been on a pretty steady diet of micro-dosing mushrooms a few times a week…I’ve been coming to some pretty weird realizations, but I don’t know how to actually integrate them into my real life just yet…but I’m getting close…I’ve definitely come to the conclusion that there’s a lot about myself that I don’t like…and I’ve also realized that most of what I don’t like about myself is in my power to change…so now I’m just sitting here and I’m like, “How do I get the willpower to change?”
Isn’t that such a weird thing?
Like…you know you have to change…and you WANT to change…but comfort rules all, doesn’t it?
Like, I could be dying right now, the doctor could tell me, “If you keep drinking you are going to be dead within a month”
…and I’d still be like, “Is it worth it to quit drinking?”
I’m not comfortable though…I’m fat and ugly.
At least, I think I’m fat and ugly.
I haven’t had anyone tell me these things…
…but I know everyone wants to tell me, they’re just scared.
I hate looking at myself.
I also know that if I go a week without drinking I’ll look at least 50% better and feel better and then if I go a month without drinking I’ll look like 80% better and feel better…and then it will be easier to exercise…easier to work…easier to do school…actually, everything will get easier, and I know this because that’s the way it always goes when I stop drinking.
Last night I was walking around on mushrooms and thinking some thoughts to myself, and this persistent idea kept popping into my head that maybe the Math Teacher was the last person who was truly going to accept me for what I am and put up with my shit and I totally blew it just because I wasn’t attracted to her…and then in my mushroom head state, I had this thought that was like, “Well, she’s a nice girl, maybe you can be friends…” But I know you can’t be friends with some girl you met off the internet on your very secret dating site and had very secret sex with…
…mostly, the sex kills it.
I’m only friends with two people I’ve had sex with.
Tonight, I got off work and then I decided to drink, even though I didn’t want to…I thought that maybe if I started to drink I’d want to drink more, but that didn’t happen…so I was just sitting in my room by myself thinking to myself, “Should I just eat some mushrooms and walk around again?” But I didn’t feel like I wanted to do that either…so now I’m sitting here, I don’t want to drink, I don’t want to trip, do I want to smoke pot? “No, you don’t” So I don’t want to smoke pot…
…I wanted to hang out with someone and not feel lonely.
But I had written that off.
Then Golnar calls…she’s like, “Wanna go to church with me?”
I’m like, “yuh”
she’s all, “Cool, I’m gonna hit up Sprouts, want a beer?”
I’m like, “alright.”
she says, “coo”
and now she’s on her way.
“There are times when you need someone, I will be by your side…
…there is a light that shines special for you and me.”
It’s so funny, how into hip=hop I am.
When I was a kid I was super into rap and hip hop…then I started a band.
I was only into rock.
Nothing but rock.
Now, here I am…all into hip hop again.
I don’t think I’m ever going to have sex again.
I don’t know if I want to?
I think the whole act of it all is kind of disgusting.
I think I have a warped idea of it all.
I think I’ve been abused.
I think I’ve abused.
I know for sure I’m a sex addict.
“Constant over-stimulation numbs me, but I would not want you any other way…”
“There’s something kind of sad about the way that things have come to be, desensitized to everything…what’s become of subtlety?
Well…how can this mean anything to me…if I really don’t feel anything at all?
I’ll keep digging until I feel something.”
“This ground is not the rock I thought it to be…”
I’m not excited to live the rest of my life…but I’m down to do it.
I made some promises.
I intend to keep them.
I’m not excited though.
I am bored.
I want more.
All of the objectives in this life are so trivial and they make me want to believe that nothing means anything…but I know that everything means everything because we’re talking about fractals of infinity and that’s what every tiny little micro-transaction is.
She’s all like, “Blah blah blah”
and I’m like, “whatever dude”
I love you.
Sometimes I day dream about dying at the same time.
Or maybe we both die in a car crash together?
I just don’t want to go alone.
…I know everyone dies alone…but I want you to be there.
With me, or for me?
I don’t know.
Is that selfish?
Maybe I can wait and die with you?
…we both know I’m going to die first.
My entire life has been building up to an early death.
I can already feel how weak my heart is.
This is beautiful.
Life is beautiful.
Death is a journey.
I’m not afraid anymore.
I was actually only afraid for a moment.
I love you