Affection or Deception in Daily Thoughts, Ideas, and Experiences

I’ve been listening to a lot of Marina and the Diamonds lately.

And thinking too much, of course. I took a look at my astrological natal chart again and found that my “120 conjunction sun” is in Venus. Which basically means I want to be well-liked by the people around me, portraying this idea of likable perfection. It also means that I am unlikely to go and pursue people but I’d much rather draw them to me. And if people don’t seem interested in my then I lose interest. Which is pretty darn spot on. And lately, I’ve been craving affection. I’m constantly on the lookout for just a moment of affection. But it’s starting to get annoying.
See, the dark part of myself likes to believe that people will just fall for me. That they must like me, whether platonically or romantically, if we have any sort of exchange. And in having friendships with people I crave more.
Like, my mind tells me that if I’m friends with someone and if they show comfort around me that they like me more. And that idea makes me more curious.
But I like my friendships, I want them to stay as such. And I know that my friends aren’t secretly in love with me. But because I have yet to find anyone whom I mutually like my mind tries to substitute that feeling.
I keep thinking about them again and man would it be nice to have them back again. Someone that I can focus that part of my mind on, even if nothing comes of it. You can tell how much I hate even thinking about this because of how I write it. This is vague nonsense.

You like your friends, that’s good, that’s healthy. They are meant to be your friends, you will not bend and break everyone around you.

Here’s a poem I wrote a few days ago. “Goodbye,” I said, digging my nails deeper into my skin.
Your life was so inspiring,
so inviting,
yet I could never be a part of it.

What had I done to get to this point?
Where it doesn’t feel right to go home anymore?
Where I would rather face sleepless nights in another bed.

What you call trivial I call wonderful.
You say I do what I like,
I do what I can.

Nothing.

Waiting for the next bout of motivation
hoping that I might make something that draws me in,
takes me to another world.

I’m scared to love anything.
I have a tendency to obsess.
I know myself well enough; how long until I lose interest again?

You crave these moments of nothing.
When you can stargaze in your room
but I fear them the most.

I’m constantly floating.
Moving past that which doesn’t have enough gravity to pull me in,
or so much as to engulf me.

God, I’m tired of trying to search for a dreamland.
Wasting time in my own reality,
just looking to escape.

Nothing might be better than this;
no capacity to feel
no capacity to be numb.

In other news, I came home at about 3 am last night. Which is only the second time I’ve done that. After work, I went home with one of my coworkers. She and her friends had been building a cardboard fort in her backyard, but it has since been destroyed. We moved the cardboard from her backyard to the front of the house and one of our other coworkers showed up with her minivan. We loaded up the cardboard then waited inside. One of our other coworkers was going to come too, but we ended up picking him up later. We made some ramen then took the cardboard to coworker number 2’s house for her burn pile. Then we picked up #3 then drove for a good while to a park type thing. There were a bunch of mosquitoes and I got to hold a little grasshopper for a while. I hand drew a pepe meme and left in the park. I hope someone finds it and enjoys it. We just talked for a while. Then we went to Dutch and I got a lovely little hot chocolate. Then we went to two other parks, used a public restroom, then went home.
Nothing wild happened, it was just nice calm hanging. Although anything feels wild when it’s 2 am. But yeah, I got off work at 6pm Sunday and got home at 3am Monday, so that’s a long chill.

Summer’s almost over but it’s nice to do some wholesome teen things before school starts again. Speaking of, I have to register for classes in two days…stress.