Shame. in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.
- Aug. 6, 2018, 12:49 a.m.
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- Public
My baby sister came to visit…I live with my parents right now because I made a giant mess of my life and I am trying to clean it up…so she didn’t come visit me…she didn’t really come visit our parents…she mostly came to just visit California because she moved to Utah for school.
I spent very little time with her.
I feel bad about it.
I know she noticed.
I know my parents noticed.
My sister came with her boyfriend and another couple…and one night they went to go eat at The Old Spaghetti Factory in Newport Beach…and I should have wanted to go with them…my dad even asked, “Do you feel unwelcome?”
It’s like, “Yeah dude…I actually do feel very unwelcome…it’s going to be three couples and then the weird brother who is living at home in his 30’s because he’s a fuckup? How exactly would and should I be welcome at this party?”
I don’t know if anyone gets it though…like…maybe I shouldn’t feel this way?
But, truthfully…here are these four people in my house who are all in their 20’s and all way more successful than I am…and how am I not supposed to feel “less than”?
It’s my bad for wanting to live life as an artist…
…or is it my parents fault for encouraging me to be an artist and go to art school and live my dreams?
I wish they would have told me my dreams were stupid.
I wish someone would have told me my dreams were stupid.
I mean…I know they weren’t stupid…my music and my art has reached a lot of people, and impacted a lot of life’s…(not a lot, but like…a few thousand…and what’s that in the grand scheme of things? Nothing) …I know I’ve saved a life or two because I’ve gotten some E-mails and made some life long friends…but still…wanting to be an artist is like wanting to be the president…someone should be like, “Listen, little kid…your chances are super slim, maybe you should look for something that will help you support yourself at some point because women won’t take you seriously after a certain age if you can’t fucking support yourself!”
And isn’t that the fuck of it all?
I’m almost done with my course now…and I’m already looking for some software engineering jobs…I saw one the other day that pays $110K a year and it’s at a fucking dispensary.
I might be able to take care of myself VERY comfortably in the next few years just because I’m a fucking genius who figured out how to code even after all the drugs and alcohol that I’ve experienced…because this brain just won’t quit ever…which is why I’ve had all the drugs and alcohol.
…
Isn’t life so dumb?
Like…I’m sitting here, judging myself on how well I can make money as if that is something that’s important…and I’m sitting here, judging myself on wanting to make art as if that’s something that isn’t important?
Life is so dumb…I swear to god.
…
I feel like I’ve gotten over being lonely.
I’m okay just dying alone now.
I think the best part about the idea is that loneliness will actually kill you faster.
So I can kill two birds with two stones.
I can just live out the rest of my miserable days being a miserable piece of shit…AND I can die faster!
WIN WIN!
Good for me!
YAY!
I wish I could hug myself right now....but not in like, “I need a hug” sort of way, because fuck that shit…I don’t need a hug from anyone, ESPECIALLY not myself.
…
Anyway…I think I’m done for the night.
I don’t feel so good all of the sudden.
I think I need to be alone.
I still love you.
Sorry for all the bullshit.
Thanks for hanging in there.
I’ll talk at you soon.
-Dane
Deleted user ⋅ August 06, 2018
The world spins and spins, just as it always has. Seasons change, cycle through. Everyone is living, just as they always have. But all I've done is get older.
Everyone is established. They all have so much. But I have never had anything.
They have friends, family, family friends, extended family; numbers on speed dial, support systems; a veritable network that defines their success. But I have no one.
Around and around we go. But it never stops, and I never know that there is a purpose to any of this.
Eat, drink; shit, piss. Laugh, get mad; apologize, smile. Be sure to squint so that it looks sincere, as if a slight breeze wouldn't blow it from my face as a sudden gust might do to a hat that is not quite the right fit.
Watch it blow away. No one notices. It never turns back up on the front door. No one ever says, "Hey, look what I found!"
It was so long ago, I don't even remember what it looks like, or how I even got it in the first place.
Everyone has found so much. More with each day. They buy bigger houses to cram it all into. And they want you to know. But nobody really wants me to know anything.
Every time they try to show me their exploit album, I can't even pretend to care. I never did. If something matters, it wasn't ever that. Not to me.
.
When I was ten, I got the flu, and I watched civilizations rise and fall, steadily infecting my living room floor. It all started with just a dot here, and then a dot there.
The hands on the clock spin round and round, the pages of the calendar keep flipping and flipping. The world is a mess of blobs, but I have always been a dot. Or just lying on the couch, watching it all happen.
Superposition Deleted user ⋅ August 06, 2018
I felt this so hard.