All My Friends Are Dead... in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.
- Aug. 3, 2018, 10:04 p.m.
- |
- Public
“I offed myself today, but I’m alright…I’m with all my friends cuz they’ve all died.”
The fucked up thing about getting older is that you and all of your friends don’t die…and you’re not with eachother.
I used to actually believe that my friends were my family, and they would be with me forever.
Now…I’m stuck with my family…and my family doesn’t know me at all.
“And the sleep is no longer rest, it’s just the hours you’ve died.”
I love how I can write an entry about how grateful I am for everything…and then days later I feel like nothing actually even matters…
…I wish I had more mushrooms…I’d love to trip right now…just go outside of myself…see something more.
Being Bi-polar is so cool…I wish I wasn’t bi-polar anymore.
I just found one of you out for what you really are…you sneaky little devil.
Shame on you.
Isn’t it so strange how people just want to take advantage of you?
Like…people are afraid of sharks, but people are sharks.
It doesn’t make any sense.
…
I hate how I have to eat…like HAVE to eat.
I wish eating was pleasurable…I see so many people who think eating is pleasurable.
It blows my mind.
I hate putting anything into my body that’s not poison.
Fuck this body.
Fuck this fleshy time machine.
Fuck time.
Fuck machines.
Fuck it all.
“The sleep is no longer rest, it’s just the hours you’ve died.”
I have so many secrets…everyone thinks I am this open book…but I have pages that you cannot read unless you possess sight beyond sight.
Like those pages you have to burn first.
Like lemon juice.
…this heatwave has killed the lemons.
Coffee and chocolate are next.
I can’t wait to die with all of you.
This is the life I have been waiting for…I finally won’t die alone.
…
Today I was driving my car and I had this sudden burst of clarity about death…and for some reason, just knowing that death happens to everyone didn’t make me feel any better…like…it almost did…but it didn’t.
If death only happened to me, I’d be just as scared of it as I am scared of everything else…I should feel comforted knowing that everyone will die.
For some reason it just freaks me out…kind of the same way that getting in the shower freaks me out.
I know I’m going to be super uncomfortable for a moment, adjusting to the hydrogen…but as soon as I get used to it…and the heat, I am okay…and then it’s like “this is where I live.’
And then I get super scared leaving the shower…like, this hydrogen is going to leave my body, and as it evaporates I’m going to feel this cold…and can I deal with the cold? Can I survive?
I always survive.
…
My baby sister is in town with her boyfriend and another couple and my dad and step-mom just told me I’m invited to go eat at The Old Spaghetti Factory in Newport Beach…and I was like…“Man, that sounds so nice…but I just can’t do it.”
I can’t be around the people.
I can’t pretend like the small talk matters.
Not in general, just right now.
I can’t pretend like anything matters.
…and at the same time, I know that every tiny little action matters.
Fuck dude.
What am I supposed to make of myself?
I am insignificant…and I am the center of the universe.
And I’m not special.
You mean nothing too…and you also mean everything.
Isn’t that so weird?
How can you be both?
And how can you be neither?
It’s all happening at the same time.
Anything I even do anymore just reminds me of the fact that I’m in at least a million other places instantaneously…and I can never forget that…and “a million” is just a number I threw out because it seems big…but the places we all exist at the same time are infinite…and do you even know about infinity?
I know something about infinity…a very small something.
I’m not just talking about my experiences with higher beings, I’m talking about some real world shit…I’ve created infinite loops while I’ve been coding.
Do you want to know what an infinite loop does?
It crashes whatever system you’re on.
A computer can’t handle the idea of infinity…and our feeble minds are supposed to take it all in with open arms, right?
…
I am no one…I am no prophet…I am no leader.
Don’t listen to the words I say.
Understand infinity all you want.
Understand the beginning and the end…and understand the middle.
Good for you.
…
All of my friends are dead like me…and I don’t have any friends anymore.
I think I just lost my last friend today.
…and that’s all of them.
Thank god.
Finally I’m just alone…and ready to die.
“When I die, fuck it, I want to go to Hell, cuz I’m a piece of shit, it aint hard to fuckin tell.”
RIP Biggie.
Come at me, Jesus.
I
Will
Fuck
You
Up
I use nails and teeth and chairs…and sand…and anything that’s around me.
One time, this older kid started some shit with my group of friends while we were skating…and he had some backup…we were 13 and they were probably like 16 or 17…and they wanted us to stop skating their spot.
I cracked that mother fucker over the head with the trucks of my skateboard, so fucking hard…he just instantly dropped, and then I came at one of the other older kids in the group and they all just ran.
I just remember that mother fuckers head bleeding out onto the cement as we skated away.
We left him.
His friends left him.
I still, to this day, if I killed that mother fucker or not.
I hit him hard.
He shouldn’t have stepped up to me.
I’m not human.
He shouldn’t have fucked with my friends.
I protect mine.
…
“Has this ever crossed your mind…that’s this where you might end? That the last steps you took could be in the same place as your first?”
…
I have seen too much beauty
I have seen too much ugly.
I deserve to be blind now.
Please, god…make me blind.
I don’t want to see anymore.
…
just playing.
I’m totally fine.
I’m always okay.
Good luck, though.
…
I’ve decided that I love you, despite if you love me back or not.
I’ve decided that giving of myself like this isn’t up to you to accept.
Maybe I don’t live the way you want someone to live.
Maybe I am not the person who loves you that you wanted to love you.
I have become something so close to my actual self.
I have become an effigy of everything you hate.
Maybe we part ways now?
Maybe I’m done writing and not hearing anything back?
Or…maybe I need you, and I am weak?
Life is full of so many surprises, isn’t it?
I don’t know how I feel about you…in an acute way…
I love you in general…
Thanks for listening.
Still.
I hope you choked on my words a little bit.
…just a little bit.
like a car wreck where no one gets hurt.
…just a little bit.
-Dane
SweetMelissa ⋅ August 04, 2018
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Superposition SweetMelissa ⋅ August 04, 2018
I feel this one so much harder than any other comment so far.
Deleted user ⋅ August 04, 2018
I like that song a lot.
I understand what you meant about death. I think it bothers people when I say I'm not afraid of dying, because being afraid is a natural human response to the end of existing. Afraid of a painful or violent death, sure. But just death? Not really. It's going to happen whether I endorse it or not, and I'm not going to care about being dead because....well, I'll be dead. You know?
It's funny, you mention that you may not live the way people want you to. I love you way more than someone who went to college, has a career, got married, has two kids, bought a house, goes back home for Christmas with the money from their savings account, haha. I mean, if those things make someone happy, then good for them, genuinely. But what about the rest of us who want more, or different? Why isn't that considered awesome too? Why do we all have to be the same or else we have this asterisk next to our name?
Still working on your playlist.
Superposition Deleted user ⋅ August 04, 2018
I was never afraid of dying...my entire life, I was never afraid...until September 2017...I blasted off on DMT at Laguna Beach with my sister and her boyfriend...they didn't smoke any, they just babysat me while I did...and I blasted through this existence, through this dimension, out of my body, and I had this very sudden and very real epiphany that I was dead...I experienced death...physical death...and it turns out I wasn't ready for it at all.
It scared the shit out of me...
...I hope actual death is a lot easier of a transition than that...but I'm not so sure.
There was no one waiting for me...there was no one at all, and yet I existed.
It was the worst feeling I have ever felt in my entire life.
Every day of my life I have had suicidal thoughts, multiple times a day...those stopped after this experience.
Now, I only get suicidal when I'm feeling brave.
Now...as far as this cookie cutter existence goes? People are afraid of what's different...I don't know if you've noticed or not, but people have a lot of beliefs...and for some reason, when they see someone who believes something different, they want to attack that person.
There's this strange phenomenon with humans that they want everyone to live and act exactly like they do, or else it invalidates their entire existence.
I don't get it myself...but I've seen it in action.
it's a sign of weakness.
We're not weak.
love.
-Dane
Deleted user Superposition ⋅ August 06, 2018
If I had experienced something similar to what you went through, I would feel the same, I guarantee it. As it were, I've only had one near-death experience- a suicide attempt- and that was self-induced and obviously didn't work. But I wasn't afraid, just disappointed that I couldn't even manage to kill myself correctly.
It takes a lot of bravery to try to kill yourself, because it's like what you said: You don't know what the transition will be like, or what is next for you, if anything. It takes courage and bravery to face that notion head on and say "I'm willing to find out", or to simply not care enough to think otherwise. Not suggesting I am brave at all, just in general.
I've absolutely noticed that; people want people to be like them. I've never understood it. I don't want anyone to be like me, I enjoy when people are different from myself, even just a little bit. I've had people actually get angry at me when I say I don't want kids, or that I don't have a timeline for my life. Why? What are my choices on my life to you and your existence? I think it stems from people being afraid of having to face someone who doesn't think the same way they do. How would they handle themselves, what would their reaction be? It's easier to not have to veer from what you already know, to not have to experience divergent thought from your own or venture into the unknown. "Stick to what you know".
Superposition Deleted user ⋅ August 06, 2018
Well, I'm glad your suicide attempt wasn't successful...for what it's worth. I also think it's a brave thing to kill yourself...a lot of people think it's a cowards way out, but holy shit facing death and that unknown is terrifying.
And the whole "stick to what you know" thing is so spot on. People get seriously uncomfortable when they're faced with a new or strange situation, which I can kind of understand...I mean, to the extent that I understand the want to be comfortable...but I can also see the necessity for stepping out of your comfort zone to grow because growth can only be achieved outside of your comfort zone...and I truly honestly think people stop growing at a certain point in their life...well, MOST people stop growing at a certain point in there life.
One of my best friends just had some pretty life changing stuff happen to him and he was like, "Man, I figured I was pretty much done growing...I figured I just am who I am now." And that was so bizarre to me...I feel like I'm in constant flux, so this idea that you can just one day be like, "Well, that's it, this is me for the rest of my life I guess." just seems impossible.