I came to the realization that MJ does really love me. I think I hurt her when I didn’t pay attention to her and if I’m being honest with myself, I only didn’t because she said we weren’t a couple. That hurt me. Cause it means we love each other and we can’t be together yet.
I thought we could. But she is not doing well and neither am I. I’m getting out of the woods. Step by step. But my pain levels are still high.
MJ did get jealous a bit. She didn’t understand why I was being so nice to Ethan, especially after what he had said and how creepy his crush on her is. I really wanna scream at him and say she isn’t into you, move on! Be more healthy and understand boundaries!
But I don’t cause I wanna get along for her sake. She is using her friends as buffers. Not saying she doesn’t want to be friends with them or spend time with them but when she wants me around, she does use them.
I hope one day it can be just me and her. That would be amazing. I just want to be with her.
You know she fell asleep on Friday night when we were on Skype together. All of her friends left and I was the only one to stay until the morning. She kind of freaked out in the morning. I don’t know if it’s because she saw me there or because she realize that her tablet have been on all night or maybe a combination thereof. The thing is I really enjoyed it. I liked being there with her. I watched her sleep for a couple of hours while I played OverWatch and it just felt really nice. It was even better when it was just me and her. Even though she was asleep I’m probably had no idea that it was me watching over her but I don’t know.
Right now, she is battling her depression. It’s really starting to take a toll on me too. I talked to her as much as I can but I don’t want her to feel bad. I wanted to feel like she can’t keep up for that if she doesn’t reply to me I’m going to get angry. Because that’s not the case. The reason I’m talking to her, I text her every day spacing messages 3 to 5 hrs apart, is I want her to know that she’s on my mind but I also want to give her space. She’s all I really think about. And there’s other stuff coming out of course but she really takes prime real estate.
🤷😭🤜🤛🤔❤❤❤😍😍😍😭😭😗😗😗👽💀😈
I dunno. Yesterday I went on stage for the first time in years. I read some of the Poetry that have posted here in front of an audience of a lot of people. Apparently I was able to keep their attention and and went really well. I had some trouble getting up on the stage because there were no stairs which I felt was a little considering that I am disabled. However, I said I had a condition and people were sympathetic and compassionate. That felt really good.
It felt good being on stage. I was able to express myself creatively and actually perform. I guess in actuality I was really performing. It was all the feelings and emotions that I had inside of me. The story I told was a true story between me and her.
Anyway, my Pain is getting in the way of me pursuing this. I had two busy days and right now, I am lying in bed in complete agony. Its two o’clock in the morning and I can’t get to sleep because there is a sharp pain in my shoulder blade that is causing my arm to go numb. I don’t know if I will ever be able to play the drums again. It’s weighing really heavy on my soul.
As it is I can barely type. I’m using Google talk to do most of this entry.
😥😢😭😥😢😭😥😢😭😥😢😭😥😢😭😥😢😭
MJ is being tormented by her illness. I’m being tormented by mine. I wish I wad able bodied. I want to make money to help her.
I dunno if I can but I will try to get her the help she needs. Until then, I will never stop loving her. No matter what I felt. The signals were mixed but now I know for sure, she does love me.
One day, I have faith, we will be together.
❤
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