Colliding Battles in Finding Me

Yesterday morning after I showered I noticed my body was covered in bruises. It wasn’t until then that I was able to connect the dots.

Due to what I’m about to explain in this entry, I feel it’s only right to start naming the medications I’ve been on the last few months.

I started with Vyvanse. It took me a while to figure out a good time to take it so I could get a decent amount of sleep, and when I finally did, it worked really well. Unfortunately after a while it started making me really irritable and wore off way too early. I was too afraid to up my dose Incase I had to go through the crazy sleep schedule again.

I was then switched to a new medication called Mydayis. The first two doses did absolutely nothing for me. It basically felt like I was taking a sugar pill, but the doses may have just been too low. And the insurance issues with it were so stressful. The trouble started with the third dose.

When I was put on the second highest Mydayis dose, there was a huge difference, but only in one aspect. Eating became a thing of the past. The Vyvanse started that way, but I ended up forcing myself to eat. It could have been the combination of my insanely busy work schedule the last month and the medication, but I’m not exactly sure.

The only thing I could think about during my lunch hours was just relaxing. This last month at work has been a disaster. I have never been there for more hours than I have those weeks. I’d wake up, take the medication, go to my first shift, sit on my couch during lunch, go back to work, then finally come home and just relax. I felt like I was breaking. Still kind of feel it. Anyway.

I didn’t eat for several days until finally I started eating a small, late dinner. Some days I went back and forth between not eating and actually being somewhat hungry. During my lunch hours I just couldn’t force myself like I did on the Vyvanse. There was no motivation to eat, no desire to cook, nothing. I wasn’t hungry. I didn’t want to bother with it.

I started getting really, really tired. Until yesterday I thought it was just from the crazy work schedule and lack of sleep. I’m talking I couldn’t open my eyes for at least a half hour after I officially woke up. And even then I was snoozing my alarm to the last possible minute, and that’s not like me at all. I couldn’t function. I was burning out and had to pretend I wasn’t. I noticed my cognitive function starting to slow. I could comprehend, but I just couldn’t respond. I became a ghost.

Out of the blue on Tuesday my doctor called me up telling me she wanted to switch me to Adderall. Now that was the one I talked about in a previous entry being the one I knew worked for me. I had tried to get on it this whole time, along with the help of my therapist. They wanted to switch me to see if my insurance would cover the Mydayis eventually if the Adderall didn’t work. So of course I said okay and made my happy ass down to the pharmacy.

They put me on 3 different IR mgs throughout the day since the Vyvanse and Mydayis were basically that, except XR. I thought things would start getting better, but I was getting worse. I could feel the physical side effects from the Adderall like the dry mouth and lack of appetite, but nothing in the brain department, which was extremely unusual for me. I think I figured it out.

Back in high school I developed iron deficiency anemia. I had disordered eating and thinking. Undiagnosed, but still there. I started becoming extremely tired constantly, had finger tip bruises all over my body from the slightest touch, and felt so dizzy every time I got up. It wasn’t until I stood up from my locker one day and fainted when I went to the hospital and got everything sorted.

Now I’m not saying I’m anemic again, but I think from the Mydayis not allowing me to eat properly for all those weeks I’ve developed some sort of deficiency. I currently have 17 unknown bruises on my arms and legs, can’t function on the normal amount of sleep I get, and I keep getting dizzy every time I get up. I’ve eaten a bit more while being on the Adderall, but here’s where, in my head, the real issue comes into play.

Being on the last dose of the Mydayis caused me to lose 10 pounds in under a month. With the medical condition I have, that is a fucking miracle. My brain has started associating the negatives with positives. ‘Not eating did this.’ ‘Those bruises are a sign.’ ‘You can supplement yourself with vitamins.’ ‘This is working.’ ‘You skipped lunch for a whole month, you can do it again.’ ‘Your hunger is a lie.’

I’m used to having similar thoughts but I was usually able to combat them by thinking ‘people eat lunch, it won’t hurt you.’ Or ‘you’re hungry, just eat.’ I’ve battled with this my whole life. I fully understand the 80 pounds I gained 6 years ago was due to my PCOS, and the 30 pounds I’ve already lost is due to my hard work. That extra 10, making it 40 pounds now lost, wasn’t even planned. I am halfway there. Fucking halfway there.

Halfway to that body I should’ve loved all those years ago. Halfway to the healthiest point I’ve ever been at, physically and mentally before this stupid thing took control of me. Halfway to being semi content with myself again.

Halfway to another eating disorder.

The worst part is that I understand that. I understand where my head is going. I get the psychological effects my medication and weight loss is having. Shit I’ve been studying to be a fucking clinical psychologist. I understand everything.

Yet my head is still spiraling. My therapist caught on today, a subject we’ve never talked about. I’m pretty sure it’s going to be the discussion topic next week and that scares the shit out of me. Right now I am in a spot I haven’t been in a very long time. Yeah I’ve had bouts of it here and there over the years, but never like this. Never like before. Even my 3 day planned medication break now seems like the worst idea. Every time I think I’ve got ahold of things, something else crashes into me. I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired.