Everyone is gone in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.
- July 29, 2018, 11:09 p.m.
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- Public
It’s so weird…how I just got left alone.
Even on this fucking site…everyone just stopped reading.
All of my friends are gone.
I seriously have no idea what the fuck happened.
Do you ever have that moment when you look at yourself in the mirror and you just decide that the best course of action is to destroy yourself?
Like, you look yourself in the eyes and you think outloud “I need to kill you”
Do you know what I mean?
,,,
I need to take my profile down from the dating site I’m on…the math teacher made me realize that I have no time for dating anyone…I have no emotions to commit to someone…I can’t engage, I can’t be interested…I have nothing to give, and I have no interest in taking anything.
I think I just need to be destroyed…this entire existence has been a fucking mistake.
Hahaha…the funny thing about having feelings like this is that it’s just funny to everyone else.
..
I don’t even know why I’m writing anymore…it’s like screaming in an empty room.
Does it even make you feel better?
Am I growing or shrinking?
Can I ever get this energy back?
…
I ate some mushrooms a few days ago and I realized that I don’t like who I am on these medications…and I realized that I don’t like who I am off the medications…
…I realized I don’t like who I am.
Why the fuck would anyone else like me?
It makes sense that all of my friends are gone.
I wouldn’t want to hang out with me either…I’m just this fucking crazy bi-polar mother fucker who has to take three drugs a day to survive, and then drinks too much on top of that…it’s fucking pathetic.
…
The only reason I’m not going to kill myself is because I’m positive that if I do I’m just going to have to start this entire life over again…
I just need to make it to the end of this shit.
Maybe after I die I’ll wake up as someone new…as someone better.
I know for sure that I’m going to have to do another tour of earth.
I know for sure that I’ve fucked this entire thing up.
The angels have told me…I’m so fucked…
“I am not your friend
I am just a man who knows how to feel
I am not your friend
I’m not your lover
I’m not your family.”
The worst part is that I’m reading this book right now that’s just reaffirming everything the angels have told me.
I’m so fucked.
…
Are you even listening anymore?
Are you even there anymore?
I don’t feel you right now.
I still fucking love you…and I feel like you’ve left me.
…am I pathetic for still talking to you about all of this?
Am I pathetic for still loving you?
I can’t tell right now.
Sometimes I just wish you could talk back to me.
Give me anything.
ha.
Whatever.
I still love you.
I’ll talk to you later, I’m sure.
…I’ll still be here.
I’ll always be right here.
Right
Fucking
Here.
-Dane
Deleted user ⋅ August 01, 2018
I haven’t gone anywhere, Dane. I’m just in a sad place right now, but if you ever need anything- just say it.
I’m listening, reading and caring always. Xx
Superposition Deleted user ⋅ August 01, 2018
I haven't ever doubted that.
Deleted user ⋅ August 02, 2018
I'm sorry Dane, I promise I still read you. I've been really selfish with my time: I write entries and keep them private, I read other people and don't comment my thoughts, I don't respond. I've been a real asshole. Don't go, you balance out all the shitty people out there, Bipolar Disorder and all. You're a sweetheart, intelligent, insightful, you have such a cool view of the world. You have a lot to offer.
Your new longboard is cool as fuck, whoever did the artwork is really talented. And I feel you on not wanting to be fucked in the next life; I'm fairly certain I was a very misogynistic man in my last life and was brought back as a brown woman, lol. Not complaining, just learning.
Superposition Deleted user ⋅ August 03, 2018
You don't have anything to be sorry for...I just went through this extremely surreal time in life where it seemed like everything was being ripped from me...I don't totally get it, but I accept it...it must be what's right...it must be what makes sense.
I hope you're doing okay.
Oh, and yeah...my new board rules.
Deleted user Superposition ⋅ August 03, 2018
Sometimes you have to admit when you've been an asshole; I'm okay doing that. Every person plays a different role and for distinct amounts of time, I've learned. Appreciate everything for what it is.
You talked about not liking who you are with meds and without them. I relate to that. I hated "needing" drugs and how I would feel if I didn't. I hate what a narcissistic, pessimistic asshole I am without them. But I would rather let my brain function naturally then try to place myself into an artificial reality.
Superposition Deleted user ⋅ August 03, 2018
I like how you said "artificial reality"...that's such an interesting concept to me...what do you think reality is? Do you think there's such thing as "reality"? Do you think you've ever participated on reality?
I mean...if no one experiences life the same way...then isn't "reality" just an agreement?
And if you don't agree, does that make you wrong?
Deleted user Superposition ⋅ August 03, 2018
I suppose what I'm differentiating between is the reality you experience naturally and everyday, and the reality the you can induce through drugs, hallucinogens, alcohol, etc.; anything that would alter the way your mind intakes information on its own. True, everyone perceives reality differently on a day-to-day basis, and that's how it varies so greatly, I think.
So when I say artificial reality, I mean a reality outside of how my mind processes information within its own unaltered chemistry.
Superposition Deleted user ⋅ August 04, 2018
I get what you mean...but your brain chemistry has already been altered by your life experience...literally, every sensation that you have, everything that you experience, every thought that you have ever had...it is all a result of your brain chemistry, and that chemistry is always in flux because every foreign experience that you have releases a new wave of chemicals.
Plus...you have people like me...my brain chemistry is so far off from the majority of the world that they call me crazy...how is that not "artificial reality? right there in and of itself?
It could be argued that oxygen is a hallucinogenic drug, because it can be argued that the universe is holographic and we're actually making all of this up in our brains as we go along...so...it's all kind of artificial reality...all the time.
Taking drugs, drinking...none of it makes reality less real...it just makes it shift for a second...or a lot of seconds...
But it's all real.
It's all real the same way dreams are real.
If you can experience it and you can feel it and it can impact your sense of self, then it is just as real as anything else.
Deleted user Superposition ⋅ August 06, 2018
You're 100% correct, I always have a difficult time putting my thoughts into words. But I agree with what you said; you're obviously smarter so it's easier for you, haha.
Superposition Deleted user ⋅ August 06, 2018
Nah, haha...I've just been on this huge "What is reality?" kick this last year...after I blasted off on DMT it made me question everything that I ever thought I knew, and as I started digging deeper into things I began to realize that there's actually no such thing as reality, and ever since then I've just been trying to ruin peoples life's by pointing that out to them, haha.
Sorry.
Lulu082 ⋅ August 03, 2018
<3
Superposition Lulu082 ⋅ August 04, 2018
Thank you.