Today, we had a fight again this morning. She pushed me again. She keeps calling me Liam because I said that she can be mean some times. Its not that she can’t help it but it does hurt me a lot.
I told her I wasn’t going any where. That she could kick me, scratch me and hate me all she wants. Before I am some romantic interest, I am her best friend. She never calls me that cause I think its hard for her to realize that there is someone there that she can get close to. Someone who is actually going to care about her and get her through shit if he can.
I don’t know what else to do but to be there for her and to keep the door open.
I told her the ball was in her court. She already knows how I feel and what I want from her. I want to be her friend first and foremost. I know we are still in this weird middle ground where we aren’t just friends but not lovers yet. There needs to be a word for that. Someone needs to get on that one.
I keep checking my phone to see if she has messaged me but nothing. She isn’t playing a game either. I know she is crying or she is not doing well. She isn’t with her friends at all.
I think.. I don’t know what I think anymore.
I said a lot of stuff to her. Things that needed to be said. How I was not going to take her toxic bullshit anymore but I will reply with love from now on cause she needs a hell of a lot of that stuff right now. Love, kindness and so forth.
She said she wanted to die which concerns me. I think that is another reason I’m checking up on her. I’m looking to make sure she is still on PSN and making sure she is checking her texts. Lets me know she is alive.
I told her that if she feels like she is close to the edge to please call the hotline. That I have called the hotline and there is no shame in needing that help. I told her I would always be here for her.
I did get annoyed a bit cause she was in the house party for a bit today and the doors were locked again. I’m here like.. really? Then it makes me wonder about how guys have betrayed her trust before. Maybe even stalked to see where she was so they can, control her maybe? I don’t know. I don’t understand it myself.
I stopped asking her if I can come in and from now on, it’s up to her if she wants to see me or not.
I know she wants to see me but what can I do? I can’t force her. I can’t make her do things when I want to cause clearly, she can’t handle that at the moment.
I missed one of my callings I think. I could have been a shrink I think. Anyway, off track, I worry about her. At this point I’m sending her messages every 3 hours or so to make sure she reads them, which she does. She is being slower today. I know her. I know her too fucking well.
She thinks she can hide her feelings from me. She really can’t, not all of them any way.
I told her I didn’t want her to end up like me. I thought back to most of my relationships and if it wasn’t abusive in a toxic verbal way, it was abusive cause I didn’t let people in. After a while they would get tired of my shit and leave.
I can’t say I can’t blame them. I really can’t.
I just want her to be better but right now I don’t think that is going to happen because she is doing this with no meds and no therapy. I have been there and it sucks. It feels like you are all alone against the monster that is the mental illness.
God, please, let her fight this. Let her continue to fight. For herself. For her own sake.
I don’t know if we are going to end up together or not but I know that I want to be her friend for years to come because she is so important to me. She is, well, my #1 I guess. I have a lot of #1s but only the important people get that title. My mom, my sister and her. My 3 number 1s.
Dad is #2 cause he is such an emotionally distant man to me. /shrug
Anyway, I dunno what she is going to do about anything. She has so much going on.
I mean, so do I guess.
I still need to finish disability which I started on but haven’t finished. I gotta do that tomorrow. I need to finish by the due date. I cannot wait.
I dunno why I am dragging my feet on this so much. I wish I had some kind of answer cause I always do this shit. I drag my feet on important things. I don’t know why I can be such an asshole some times.
I just want to get the fuck out and things aren’t going that way. I just wish that I was in a different place but my doctor says that isn’t healthy to think that way. So then, I try not to do that. I end up doing it again and again.
Wishing that things were different and wondering if I wasn’t sick, would I still be here?
I wish I wasn’t so sick because I know I wouldn’t be here. I would be married with a kid most likely cause I knew that’s what I wanted. I know that if I had things the way I wanted them, I would be an artist right now. Either doing my art work or doing music or acting. I just wanted to do something fucking creative but those jobs don’t fucking pay. I can’t live off of the one thing I know I can do. Pathetic.
So now, while I wait on disability and while things with the business go into snore fest, I have to figure out what the hell I am going to do. I have instacart and hopefully my shit hasn’t expired or something stupid because I took so long to work for them. That’s even if I can. Which I sort of have to cause I am so so sick of not having money to do things that I want to do. I want to help MJ out if her parents won’t do it.
I want to go see her.
I want to go to her.
I don’t know why I have such a strong thing for her. It’s weird. I guess maybe it’s cause I let someone in for the first time and they didn’t purposely fuck my life up. Yeah, she has her shit. She can be mean as hell when she wants to be but she is a good person. She is a good person under it all. She just needs control over this bullshit.
Please, I hope she gets that. She needs peace. Just give her some peace, please?
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