Family falling apart in The Rant Dump

Dad’s fucked up in the head. I can’t blame him. It’s sad.

He kept blaming my mom for things he has no evidence for. Things that he himself did. Things that are honestly understandable for her to do if she actually did, given what he’s been doing. Paranoid behavior. I can’t tell if there’s someone feeding him ideas or what, but I personally see it myself. Earlier he kept asking if I went out with my aunt even though I already said no a couple of times. He picked up the idea from what my other aunt said. It was just a couple of unsure statements from her, and bam, head goes in overdrive. Also, he was suspecting whether my aunt was setting up cameras around the house. My blood aunt is schizophrenic. I wonder if he’s going down the same lane.

I feel he is controlling of me. He says he loves me. To the point that he is willing to throw himself to jail just to get back at my aunt for ‘hitting on me (if she ever did)’, and that he says that I can put my little sister through college anyways if he does end up doing that. Fun. I told him it was stupid of him to throw away his daughter’s future just to harm another person and gain nothing out of it. Outright he told me he doesn’t give a shit about my mom anymore and it’s just me and my sister that keeps him going.

I honestly understand all this. How valid these feelings can be.

But I’ve been carrying my own burdens for years myself. I’m tired of just getting by everyday, trying to not feel miserable.

I’ve had the courage to open up to him before about my depression. He brushed that off and even asked me why the fuck do I have problems.

That was the day I decided to not give a shit about connecting with him anymore. I understand how he does not understand. I see his point of view. I can see how and why he feels the variety of ways he does. If I were doing any better, I think I could have done something about it.

But I was fucked up myself. I had my own depression to deal with. My own issues. These things that drain me and make me very ineffective with bothering with other people’s problems. I don’t want to give a fuck about him and my family anymore. I just want to focus on me and be better.

I’m tired of being the ‘chain that holds the family together’. So much for being the favorite child. I don’t give a shit about being the favorite, or being the most ignored, or whatever. My boundaries keep getting crossed, I don’t have a sense of freedom, and I get treated like a helpless child. I am fucking tired.

The only reason why I have not left is because I fear that this man will stop supporting my mom and my sister when I do leave.

My depression has uplifted quite significantly these past few months. There and then I decided to handle these things again and try to produce the best outcome that I can afford to. I’ve been meaning to speak to my dad about everything, about what I want and need, how to make things better, tackle the issues that need to be resolved, everything. I’ve been psychologically preparing and rehearsing so much. I’m taking “Interpersonal Effectiveness” classes on the side, and that really helped me frame the kinds of dialogues I want and need to do when the time comes.

There was a time last month when I got close to starting small dialogues with my dad. And then my mom comes running to me, telling me the crap that my dad’s been telling her. Amazing. The timings are so damn funny. I can’t catch a break.

I worked so fucking hard to be okay and try to fix things myself, handling these stupid fucking adults who act like fucking children but what the fuck man.

I’m the fucking parent now jesus fuck.

I’m frustrated. I need to write these things to have some form of release, and to get my calm back. Joseph’s currently asleep. I think I’m already putting too much burden on him whenever I share my problems with him. He feels helpless that he can’t do anything to help me out. I’m not helpless, I really just need someone to be with and to talk to when shit gets hard. Not someone to fix my problems for me. Although I really do understand the way he feels and thinks, but. Yeah. Men fix problems, women talk about them (women need to do that to feel better. Not an insult at all. Just how people function).

Fuck this shit. I need to fix this craphole my parents fucking dug for themselves. Fuck man. I still have my RN to worry about on the side, so that means I cannot afford to take up any financial responsibility for the meantime.

I’m sending the RN paperwork to the board myself next week. It will take them 4-ish months to reply to me about my deficiencies (or lack thereof, hope that’s the case). And then if I do need to go back to school, I’ll be working less and thus less income. And I’ll be in debt, approximately $35,000, per what my coworker knows from her friend.

FUCK all this crap. Need to man up and get myself the wisdom and calm to deal with all this fucking crap. I’m fixing other people’s problems, fuck me.

Family? Please. They’re just people you’re stuck with. Just wished they’d cooperate and get things dealt with over conversation but noooooo, fuck no. Fuck people. Satre was right. Hell is other people. I’ll get this shit dealt with business-like and if it doesn’t work, FUCK IT. I’m FUCKING DONE.