Lonely in Daily Thoughts, Ideas, and Experiences

Gosh I am so tired. Tired of having grand hopes and plans and just not doing them. Tired of waking up in the middle of the night to sounds that should have stopped bothering me years ago. Tired of waiting to go back to work to only wait to go back home. Tired of feeling like I’ve wasted my youth.
I didn’t go to high school. And by Go I mean physically, I attended an online school and got my diploma. But I feel like I missed out on a lot. The romance of making stupid mistakes, making real friends, and learning about myself. Instead I spent half of my high school career rarely leaving the house and the other working. In someways I’m grateful but I still feel like I missed so much.
Thinking back, I’ve had so many people that I loved being around. I had my clique in kindergarten that became a duo wherein my best friend had her own friends in the 8th grade. During summer, the only other girl my age at church was my best friend, we would pretend to be spies and make our own little hideaway with the things we would pack with us while our moms were busy talking. During the week I had the head staff kid at the daycare my mom was working at. I was only there for two summers, but the fact that we both hadn’t parents working there meant we were bonded. That other girl too, the one with the pretty blood who made fun of my socks in the basement of that church, she was a good friend of mine. And of course, the girl who wanted me to disguise her and who bought me a first aid kit for my birthday. Now I’m in the midst of a friendship that isn’t best friendship but feels almost the same. I haven’t actually seen her in months or even heard from her but I have hope that we’ll take a class or two together. I really miss our talks.
And of course, there were the people who made me realize what demiromantic meant. The boy who I went to school with for six years without even really talking to until our last year together. The boy who was a self proclaimed pathological liar that would passionately debate with me even if we were agreeing. His dark hair sometimes messed up to reveal a sliver of his forehead. I didn’t even know I liked him until we weren’t forced to work together and he started dating someone. And I cant forget about the boy who still plagues my thoughts, who always seems to appear just when I’m over it. The boy who saw me as a equal and seemed excited to share his life with me. The boy that I had hoped would actually be more than a friend until he started dating someone and then stopped talking to me.
Even though I miss these people, I’m fine without them. And sometimes that worrries me. I’ve been so closely connected but I’ve been able to drop them. I’m older now, I should be able to make “deeper” connections but I haven’t changed. People tell me that this isn’t my first life and it makes sense. My mother says I was born knowing everything I needed to know. All I know is that I’m as emotionally available as I’ve sleays been, not so much.
But I’m a hopeless romantic. I want someone I can call anytime and just talk to. I want someone who will go to the forest with me just for the heck of it or take me away to the beach.
But I’m lonely. And I worry that it’s me. That people don’t bother to stick around. I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be okay with it.
I joked the other day that I would be fine with going insane if it meant I helped someone. But that might be a reality smart this rate.