Yesterday I was in the ER. I had kidney stones and it was hella painful. My dad surprisingly stayed with me and while we fought a few times, he still did what I asked. I had a guy mishandle me. The asshole was taking my blood and he not only bruised me but triggered me as well. I don’t wanna get into it. The whole time, I’m protesting this treatment and cussing. Once it was done, my dad looks at me and shakes his head disapprovingly. So I look at him and tell him I am annoyed and upset about the way the guy treated me. I told him he was touching my dick and all my dad has to say is “No he didn’t”.
I lost my fucking shit at that. Taking that asshole’s side is unforgivable for me. He not only did that but used me as a fucking table. Putting everything on me even though I was in agony. Fuck that guy and fuck my dad for taking his shit side.
When I said I hate men, my own gender.. like they are terrible for the most part.. my dad stayed quiet. Its like listen dude, if you are offended by me saying men are trash, you are part of the problem. If you can’t see that there is a problem with the way men are raised and how they treat people then fuck you.
My dad gets massive praise for staying with me and putting up with me but that one thing just… it pisses me off.
Then today, I made plans to go swimming tomorrow with my friend Yuki. My mom informs me that we have work in the afternoon (I work with her, we have a small business).
I was already cranky and in a bad mood about what happened with MJ (read more below) so this pissed me off. I ask her nicely and professionally if dad could cover that one job for me and I will be back Sunday morning.
Of fucking course she lost her shit.
“I told you blah, blah, blah. Irresponsible, blah, blah, blah”
Which I didn’t fucking appreiate cause I literally cancelled my plans.
All I needed was a yes or no answer. Instead, I get into fight with her cause i overhear her telling my father I’m irresponsible which angers me cause he already thinks so low of me, hearing her say that I am only adds fuel to his fire.
I tell her I don’t appreciate being called out in front of my fucking father. This caused her to lose her shit more to the point where she tells me I can’t go to work THE ENTIRE FUCKING WEEKEND. Thats about 60 bucks that I desperately need out of my pocket. She did anyway and then today puts it on me as if I asked for it!!!
“I won’t pay you when you miss anymore”
Ok? I never fucking asked you to do that to begin with. That was your decision. I never asked her to pay me for the jobs I can’t do. Even when its cause I’m sick.
She then tells me to just go swimming. Which fuck you. I ALREADY CANCELLED SO WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO FUCKING DO, MOM?
😣😣😣😣😣😣😣😣
I just told her I rather be dead. Should be fun getting called a drama queen again.
🙅🙅🙅🙅🙅🙅🙅🙅🤷🤷🤷🤷🤷🤷
It seems that people who “care” about me only care when I’m in crisis. Otherwise, its like they don’t care at all.
😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔
MJ was attentive to me because she was worried. There is no doubt in my mind that she is faithful and she loves me. I trust her, I love her.
But here I am, once again, on a Friday night… alone. She’s with her fucking friends, again. I really do not mind if she plays with her friends or hangs or whatever but she does it every fucking day/night in the week. She doesn’t give them a break to spend time with me.
It’s becoming a huge issue in our relationship.
I know she suffers from intimacy anxiety. So do I. However, she hasn’t video chatted with me in a week. When she does, its maybe 30 mins at most. Meanwhile, she can talk to her friends for hours on end.
The only time I chatted with her and hung out for more than an hour was when DeeJay was present. Which was AWKWARD cause I don’t like him.
To be honest, I have a like/don’t like thing with him. She thinks of him as a best friend and doesn’t see what I see.
Plus, instead of being with me most nights, she spends all her time with him. How the fuck does she think this makes me fucking feel?
This is why I don’t like him:
-He has OBVISOUS FEELINGS for MJ.
-He tried to list her as married to him AFTER she listed she was married to me.
-He made a fucking anniversary post on FB as if they were fucking dating saying how she is the only woman he loves and she not only LOVED the fucking obvious dating post but commented on it. Twice.
-In that same post, he purposely put photos of him and her together when they video chat. I have nothing like that cause she doesn’t face time me.
-He wants a fucking romantic/sexual relationship with MY GF and doesn’t respect the fact me and her are together.
-He is slightly homophobic. Says shit like “no homo” after showing any affection to another man. Which to me makes me think he is a closeted bisexual.
-He has thug friends who are MASSIVELY problematic. This includes an overly aggressive gang member and a massively homophobic prick who says slurs like faggot and tranny ever six seconds.
-His other friend which I also like/don’t like is homophobic too. This is a guy who said he can’t even look at penis. So let’s add transphobic to this too cause trans women have dicks. That kind of talk is what these asshole men say before they beat and/or kill transwomen. Not sure if he says slurs or not. He hasn’t while I am around.
-Pretty sure he talks shit about me behind me and MJ’s backs. No proof of this of course but the feeling is there.
Anyway, there you go.
It is now 10pm on a Friday night and I am still alone. She hasn’t bothered to read the messages I sent her yet she opened my two snaps. Which this morning, she sends me one with hearts and then says IDK.
Like wtf? I know she loves me but shit like that makes me wonder where we stand.
We started the day in argument which I didn’t want it to turn into one but she is incapable of having a conversation with me about this on going issue.
She says I act as if she gives me nothing. Which, if you look at it, she kinda does. Its minimal effort on her part.
She says “I stayed on the phone with you for 2 hours” which pissed me off cause she was in a talkative mood so I stayed with her. She even thanked me for staying and listening to her. Which I had a fantastic time hearing her stories. Its what I want.
We have known each other for 2 years but I couldn’t really get to know her much because she was with Shithead (the name I will give Liam, her abusive ex).
We always were into each other. Always.
We finally get together and I barely see or talk to her on the phone/face time. Its mostly all texting.
I hate texting when I trust person. I much rather hear their voice. I don’t mind texting during the day when we can’t speak to each other but she has a chance to do so with me most nights and she doesn’t.
Whatever. I guess I’ll give her more time to heal. She was in that horrible state she was in only 7 months ago and 7 months isn’t enough time to heal. Especially for someone who didn’t get treatment until recently.
If anyone with bipolar disorder is reading me, would you mind helping me out? I need to understand the disorder more and need to understand her better. I would greatly appreciate it.
Anyway, I am going to cry and be alone once again on this shitty Friday night. Thanks for reading if ya did.
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