Ordinary Corrupt Human Love in Struggles with Addiction & Depression

Life comes screaming through the room whether you invite her in or not.

I stand on the precipice of the first great risk of my entire life and I am terrified and exhilarated. In just more than a few weeks I will have no fixed address and I’ll be on the road with whatever small amount of possessions I can pack into my friend Jesse’s car. I will send myself and my cats hurtling towards the Okanogan and the unknown. We’ll stay with my uncle for a while but I can already tell that visit will be short and I’ll need to find my own living situation quickly.

Two weeks ago I cut all ties with my abusive and cruel mother who never saw me as anything more than a wounded dog whose desperation for her approval only made her more vengeful and disgusted. After a few more short days it became abundantly clear I had submitted myself to similar treatment at the hands of my romantic partner - quite probably because it is the only kind of love I recognize and understand - so I abruptly put an end to that relationship too.

The crystal jewel that shines on the horizon and keeps my spirits up is the impending release of the new DEAFHEAVEN album which is finally available to be heard in full streaming on the NPR website today. It is a glittering, gorgeous masterpiece. They are performing a short bus ride away from the place I will be living and skateboarding soon and when it was first announced I had no idea I’d have a chance to see them perform again.

So through the fear and self doubt and sadness that I never spent as much time in this nice apartment or did any of the things I desperately wanted to do here or that maybe I am making a colossal irreparable error I might never come back from I am keeping that in focus.

Ordinary Corrupt Human Love will save me again after all.

Last updated July 05, 2018