thoughts, so many thoughts in random

my thoughts recently have been random. my moods have been drastic and changing from minute to minute. i’ll feel fine and motivated and laughing and it seems like not even two minutes later i’m planning my fucking suicide.
i had a few days of high moods randomly and i set up an online store to sell art and whatnot. that was nice. it seems like no matter what i do the thoughts come back and i feel absolutely terrible again.
my birthday is coming up soon. i’m excited but anxious because i already know that i’m going to feel ungrateful and pathetic for getting gifts. hell i feel ungrateful now just for being suicidal and down.
my dad went through surgery a couple days ago. hes still in the hospital for recovery but it went well. i should feel something about this right? but instead its like my brain shuts down and it doesnt feel real. like its happening to someone else. i mean the man who raised me and loves me has had cancer for who knows how long and was diagnosed in october and is just now finally almost done with the worst parts. i should feel something. although maybe i just dont realize it. i mean i havent been sleeping or eating properly. urges to hurt myself are through the roof if only as punishment. god wouldnt that be so cathartic.
my sister started cutting last year. she wears short sleeves and shorts around me which i guess is cause she knows i wont judge. its hard to not stare at her scars. theyre so much darker and bigger than mine. i know its terrible but i’m jealous. i’m jealous and i want to take her pain away at the same time. i want those scars on me instead and i honestly cant tell if its for selfish reasons or not anymore. did i mention shes only 14. i mean shes a child. a child should never be made to feel like cutting themselves is the only option. and yet.. here we are
i just needed to get all that out

happy 4th of july to any americans reading this, i hope you had a good one

Last updated July 05, 2018