I can’t remember if I said this or not…but she hit me up on Instagram and asked me what I dreamt about…she wanted to know if I was some psychic vampire that’s still trying to ruin her life through her dreams.
That’s so her…to be hating me, and at the same time secretly wishing I am a vampire…and even though she has a husband and a child, she’s still wishing I care enough about her to want to ruin her life.
As if I’m obsessed.
I mean…I still dream about her at least three times a week, but it’s never good.
And it always leaves me feeling hollow.
I always feel empty, like I am missing out on something.
I wish nothing but the best for her and her husband and her child.
Even though we both know that it should be us, married, with our own child.
We had our chance, and it was miscarriage, and it never happened because it was never supposed to happen because we were never supposed to be together because we were terrible together and she’s my soul mate and even when she reaches out to tell me how horrible I am a huge part of me is excited and happy to just hear from her because I think she’s the most beautiful person in the entire universe and I feel like she saw me for exactly what I was and she loved me anyway…unfortunately, over the five years that we were together I destroyed her.
Now…she ruined me too…but I don’t have the heart to tell her that.
I will take the blame, and I will be the monster.
We both did things that are monstrous…we both hurt eachother in ways that “sane” people would never dream of…hell, she used to beat my physically and I would just take it because she’s so tiny.
Oh, I did my own share of awful things.
She abused me mentally.
I did my own fare share of awful things.
But I never meant to hurt her…I was just a drug addict…on drugs…she asked me, “Why would you hurt me if you claim that you love me?”
I told her, “I have hurt everyone I have ever loved, Aye…that’s just the way my shit storm has worked…but I never meant to hurt any of you.”
In the last two years, I haven’t hurt a single person.
Especially not the people I love.
Being Bi-Polar1 is not easy.
She’s Borderline Personality Disorder…that shit’s not easy either.
We didn’t stand a chance.
I told her, “I’m a different person now, different than I was ten years ago.”
I told her I have to take three medications today just to function…but I function.
I told her I regret doing anything but loving her to the fullest.
I dream about her at least three nights a week…every week.
I found out that she stalks my Instagram…so I started stalking hers…apparently she is okay with it.
I know she is my soul mate.
I wrote a song about it once.
“I’m not a ghost, but I have been alive before, a breathing man
I’ve seen the things that humans have built and burned, raped and ran
My soul has been split in two, hid from me across barren plains, but I will keep on searching until we are re-united.
She said, ‘I still have a home in you’
I don’t feel like writing out the rest of the lyrics…if you really want to hear the song, just leave me a note and I’ll give you the link.
It’s not all that important.
Nothing really is.
About six years ago she called me and told me that we were soul mates…and she told me that she was going to marry this man anyway (who she cheated on with me) and she told me that she was going to have his baby…and she told me I fucked the whole thing up.
Yesterday, she told me she didn’t know if she believed in soulmates anymore.
I hope in the next life we get it right, because I’m never going to love anyone the way I loved her…I’m never even going to come close.
I’m going to live the rest of my life feeling this phantom limb.
It’s weird…in all of my past life’s I’ve been a warrior…a soldier…I’ve usually died from war…and here I am in this life, no war…and yet I still have a phantom limb and a shitload of PTSD.
This entire thing is so ironic, isn’t it?
It’s like…it would be weird if it wasn’t so weird.
I hope I feel terrible tomorrow.
I woke up today and went to class at 10 am…we learned the most boring language that I’ve ever learned so far…apparently it’s super powerful…but it’s all a bunch of back-end database bullshit…I am so not interested....apparently it takes the abstract to keep me interested.
I went to lunch with the dudes from my class that I love, and it was great…I truly love these dudes…I’m so glad I met them.
After class, Ted and I went to a Starbucks on campus and decided to hammer out our homework in like four hours…which was not a lot of time for this thing, but we were both hellbent on having a Sunday free (I work brunch anyway, so I don’t get a free Sunday anyway…but, you know…if I can finish homework early than that’s whatever.)
Anyway, we ended up finishing this thing in four hours…we basically built “Siri” except it’s called “Liri”, haha…but yeah…I’m pretty happy with what we accomplished. I mean…we’ve been working on this thing since Monday, but we still hammered out the final details in record time.
That’s just because we are code ninjas.
The part that trips me out the hardest, is that I can have a complete day like this, where everything seems to kind of fall into place, and I can be super productive…and I still can just sit here and think so myself, “I can’t wait until I’m dead and gone and don’t have to be me anymore.”
And the fucked up part is that not everyone goes through these feelings.
A lot of people like being alive.
I really fucked up with Aye.
Here..maybe this will make a little more sense:
Have fun with that.
I’m going to go get a frozen pizza and smoke a bunch of weed and watch Trailer Park Boys and cuddle myself.
Fuck this planet anyway.
You know, I didn’t even need to come here in the first place, I just did it out of the goodness of my heart.
Don’t mistake my goodness for kindness.
I’m just about fed up with this place.
…and yet, no I’m not…I love my work.
I can’t believe you’re still here.
Honestly, thank you so much.
If I couldn’t vent to you from time to time I don’t know what I’d do.
I love you.
You’re truly amazing.
I couldn’t do this without you.