Things in my life are going as they are. Steady for now I guess. At least I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food in the fridge I guess. I dunno how long that will last for, but here’s hoping I can figure out things to do so I can move on with my life.
I have plans to move to Canada but I have no idea how to even do that. Considering the fact that I am disabled and not really able to hold down a conventional job. So, if anyone has any ideas or can point me in the right direction, that would be appreciated greatly. Thank you.
I have sold my art. 2 pieces so far.
I haven’t made that much from it but it was enough to pay off my credit card bill.
I still need to clean. So much cleaning it boggles my mind and some times weighs me down. I can’t muster the energy I need for the bigger shit I need to do in my life. My energy is going into ways to make money. Be it with the pet sitting or with my art.
The other bit of energy I have left to spare, I’m trying to spend it wisely on social shit. Having friends has helped me out greatly. I have so many great people I trust that I can lean on with the burdens of life. I do the same for them. Everyone knows my door is open and I am always ready to make sure you are okay.
Speaking of which, things with MJ are still where they were before sorta. She is listening to me more, and she is taking care of me in the sense where she will listen and stuff which I love.
However, there still is some things and its not even her fault so I’m learning to just be patient with her. Trying now to help her through yet another hard patch. I worry so much about her.
So, over the weekend, we had this guy make a rape joke towards her. She didn’t catch the joke. She thought that when I was angry and attacking him, that I was attacking her. She kicked me from the party. I got so mad cause I didn’t know that she didn’t know.
Good news is, we communicate really well and she listens. She is so stubborn and sassy but she listens. She didn’t hear the asshole say it. We did have a disagreement about him though. I told her that he is a sexist and dangerous kid (cause he is a fucking kid but that doesn’t excuse it). Which is what I was trying to get her to understand. I worry so much cause even after she goes, “Well he is young” and saying she had no power to kick him from her group.
I could not tell her how I really felt about this.
YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF THE FRIENDS YOU KEEP. THEY ARE YOUR SQUAD.
If you don’t want Ethan around cause he’s a sexist little asshole who makes rape jokes? You fucking kick him out and tell your so-called friends that you are removing him cause he makes you feel unsafe. Which he does cause she calls him creepy constantly.
I felt like saying if they really are your friends, then they are going to stick by you!! If they rather hang out with rape joke Ethan, then do you really want them as your fucking friends?
I need to say this to her without sounding like that.. Like.. I dunno.
She doesn’t realize the power she has. All of the little friends she have follow her around cause, and this is just what I think, some of them really like her and are loyal to her. I know DeeJay is one of those people. I hope he gets over her though. Cause she doesn’t have feelings for him from what I have gathered. But I think even so, he would stick by her as a good friend does and should.
So that’s one thing I worry about. Who she is allowing in because someone else is the connection but she doesn’t speak up about them being problematic because she doesn’t wanna lose her friends, especially Deejay, MDO, and Cano. I know those are the guys who’ve been there for her as best they can. They do it cause they actually care about her as a friend.
I wish I could tell her to just say something. That these guys are true friends. That she has that squad. She can control who she lets in and out. I did tell her something about that, along those lines, and she understood.
Okay, so other thing, I told her we were just friends cause that is how I was feeling. She wasn’t putting anything us as romantic partners so I blurted that out. She did not like that one bit.
Which made me think that she did care for me and was sorry that we missed our date. I have to constantly remind myself that she has been through hell. Things I don’t wanna discuss here cause it’s her private business but so you know, it was intense. She has gone through more than most people do in a lifetime in just a span of a few years. Hell, her whole life. My heart aches for her. I cry about what she’s been through. There are other things there.
Anyway, so, she is where I was with my whole intimacy anxiety. I know what she is going through to an extent. Hers is even worse than mine. I think her asshole ex whom I want dead is making matters so much worse. I worry about that situation like you have no idea because he is a piece of shit human being.
He was stalking her! I literally wish I had a Death Note so I can murder him slowly and torture him the way he has tortured her!! To make this all worse, my poor girlfriend has to fucking “handle the situation” with her mental health issues all while he is abusing her vocally. She can’t even just cut him out cause he is a dangerous and entitled male. The type of guy who if he was in America, he might kill a girl for rejecting him. This is how bad this little bitch is.
Her mental illness is kicking her ass again too. This week has been bad. She tells me she’s fine or good but then makes comments about how tired she is, how much pain she is. I think she tries not to tell me, I guess so my heart doesn’t break? I dunno.
She also had a fight with 3 people from what she said. I know one was her ex but I dunno who the other 2 are? I have ideas but not sure.
The good thing this week was she was feeling confident on Tuesday and was talkative with me on Wednesday. Even though she was crying. :( She cries so much and I dunno what to do other than to let her go through it and be here for her. She goes to her friends a lot I think cause maybe they might understand her better? I dunno. She tells me she needs a female friend too. Which I agree with cause when she talks about her period, I can’t relate that much anymore. I do remember but its not the same.
I mean, I’m the type of boyfriend that if I was closer I would show up with midol and chocolate lol. I wonder if there is a way for me to send her chocolate? Cause she craves that a lot. I know her cycle already … lmao. Things you just know when you are close to someone you love.
Alright, I gotta go. I need to go read stuff and make drawings about it for my sister.
Peace everyone!
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