Where I’ve Been in Finding Me

I don’t even know how to start this so I’m just going to dive right in.

I’ve been so busy physically and mentally. Maintenance kept having to be done to the apartment so my cat had to keep staying at my dads which involved me going back and forth to his several times a day before and after work. I’ve also become a higher up manager now, so I’ve been super busy with all of that.

Mentally I’m on a rollercoaster. I’ve been on a couple new medications since my last post to help some of the stuff going on in my head. It’s been a stressful on and off journey. I’ve been on a new one a week now, so we’ll see. The last one wasn’t working at all and I was having really bad depression episodes. This new one seems to help, but I crash real late at night (like right now) and I spiral. Had to talk myself out of hurting myself several times in the last few hours.

Pride parade was absolutely amazing. Even though I’m not ‘out’ to my friends, I’m ‘out’ to myself and that matters. Got super sunburned like every year but I’ll be okay in about a week.

Today marks 2 weeks of no cigarettes! I am using a vape, but after 15 years of smoking and two weeks off, I feel hell of a lot better physically.

Tonight I spiraled a bit. Unblocked Andrew’s (L) phone number cuz I’m an idiot, read a bunch of old messages, listened to those voicemails I posted about a while ago. I think I just really miss human connection. I’ve disconnected myself from everyone.

I do have a new mindset though. I’m officially done being walked on, taken advantage of, not sticking up for myself, all that bullshit. 2018 has taught me how to be aware of toxicity and how to handle it properly rather than blaming myself for absolutely everything.

The first and third medications I’ve been on have basically covered up my feelings of being the lowest I’ve ever been. The second one didn’t help with that. Anyway, I know those thoughts are still there. Tucked to the side whenever I’m on the medication. Like right now as it’s worn off for the day I feel all of it. I feel the urges and the paranoia and the depression and the suicidal thoughts. I can’t focus, I can’t sleep, I can’t do anything except lay on my couch. Like even with this entry I want to delete everything because I just feel like it doesn’t matter. I feel like I disappear way too often and it makes me feel bad. I feel like my passion is gone even on the meds, which I think is the reason I don’t post often.

I still feel like Andrew took all of me.

But I’m trying. I’m trying everything I can to not have a cigarette, trying the meds, still going to therapy. I am trying.

I know all these negative thoughts will go away if I just go to bed, wake up, and take the meds, I just can’t bring myself to actually go to sleep. I haven’t had a crash this bad since being on any of them.

Sorry if this is all over the place. My grammar is shit today. My mind is racing. I’m just trying to get it all out.