Confusion and relapse in The Rant Dump

We got back together. But it’s like a roller coaster. I suck at communication, but I damn well try. I fucked something up and from that point on, he said he will ‘put less pressure on me’, said he will stop trying to make things happen and just let him and I go at our own pace. And then he started acting more distant with me.

I would have appreciated the ‘own pace’ thing but it becomes different when the notion of it is ‘giving up’. I like to try and work on what needs to be done, but at my own, slow, baby steps pace. I have so much on my plate, I’ve been doing my best to do things effectively and responsibly so that my growth will be more permanent and concrete. And I love that but, with the way we’re doing it now, it feels toxic. I feel neglected and taken for granted.

We have good times together. But for some reason, I am still insecure. He doesn’t talk to me like the way he used to before. When we do hang out, it’s all fun. But because of the inconsistency and change in communication, it leads me to think that when we do hang out, it’s simply during that moment of high emotional charges that he feels that way. That when we’re apart, it reverts back to the kind of coldness that I am seeing. It all feels like mindgames to me.

I freaked out today. I was night shift at work. He started texting me at 2:30am. Pretty responsive and loving. Out of the blue, at 5am, he texts me Good morning. Which made me wonder. We already talked just a couple of hours ago and he sends me that. Insecure brain keeps telling me that it was meant for someone else. And so that started a spiral of rumination for me. I entertained that text after my shift was over at 6:30am, replied to him in kind, and went to sleep.

No response.

He did text me just a while ago though. “How are you doing today?” at 2:40pm, followed right away by texting our group chat about that game we just started playing last night.

Fuck I hate feeling insecure. I may be overreacting. Depression is such a bitch. I need to control this.

What helps tide me over is the acceptance that I will have to let him go if things do not turn out well. I keep asserting for what I want and need, and what is good for me. But right now, I’m giving us a chance because these matters may simply be a product of miscommunication, stress, some things we haven’t talked about yet, hidden resentments.

I need to take care of myself so that I’ll be capable of dealing with this as best as I could.