Why are you so dangerous? in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.
- June 23, 2018, 3:06 a.m.
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- Public
It’s like my spell on you is worthless.
…
I just took my anti-anxiety meds for the first time.
I probably should have tried them without alcohol (I know, I’m an idiot, right? Come on…I already know what you’re going to say, calling me an idiot is getting old)
But I didn’t.
I was trying to save them for when I really needed them…turns out I really need them every god damn night.
My legs don’t hurt right now, and my tongue doesn’t hurt…and my arms don’t hurt…and my back doesn’t hurt.
And I’m strangely okay with everything.
I’ve never taken anxiety meds before…except recreationally, but even then they never did anything to me. I never got “fucked up” on them…and I always knew why, it’s because I’m in a constant state of panic.
I went and had a brain scan two years ago…the doctors were like, “See this? This is the panic center of your brain, and it’s on fire…all of your activity is happening in the fight or flight portion of your brain…here…take these all natural supplements that we think might help.”
They did not help.
Proprietary blends are almost always bullshit, aren’t they?
I’ve been in a constant state of panic and/or disassociation for the last 8 months…tonight is the first time where I’m like, “Okay, that’s fine, I’m going to die and when I die I’m going to experience some insane shit, and life will have proven itself to hardly matter, and I’m okay with that…kill me already…bring it on…or don’t, I don’t care, I’ll probably eat some pizza tomorrow and it will be dope…I give no fucks.”
I’ve been listening to some of my old music tonight.
It’s so weird…I hardly even feel like that person anymore.
I can hardly even believe that there was a time when I made music at all.
I listened to my voice, my words, my guitar.
Jesus, that seemed like a lifetime ago…it was.
Life is so fucking weird.
I wish I had someone to hold on to so I didn’t always feel like I was floating away.
But, then again, everytime I’ve had someone…I’ve still just been up there, floating.
Sometimes I wish I was human. I think life would be easier if I was.
I don’t know why I have to be down here in my human body…I mean…they’ve told me…they’ve shown me why…but I still don’t understand it.
Those were different life’s…different me’s.
I just hope that this is going to be my last one.
…and yet, I know it won’t be.
I miss my mom.
…I’m sorry.
Everytime I come here, it’s always pouring rain, isn’t it?
well…I love you.
I really do.
I don’t even care if you love me back.
It’s just nice to be able to talk to you.
I really appreciate it.
Thanks for listening.
I’ll see you soon, right?
right.
-Dane
Deleted user ⋅ June 23, 2018
"Sometimes I wish I was human. I think life would be easier if I was. ". I think that all the time...
Superposition Deleted user ⋅ June 23, 2018
The rules of society are just so...human...and humans are just so fucking lost.
Deleted user Superposition ⋅ June 23, 2018
I had a conversation with someone last night about the concept of being human and how it's almost comical at times. Granted, we were both drunk and he told me I look like Kerry Washington (I don't, at least I don't think so) so I took the whole thing with a grain of salt. But not many people take the time to think about the motives behind our actions or our entire being for that matter.
Superposition Deleted user ⋅ June 24, 2018
People, in general, don't like to think about things that don't involve money, food, sex, or some other kind of distraction. It's scary to think about the "why" of things, and it's difficult to fathom the "how". It's easier to just pretend that tangible things matter.
Deleted user Superposition ⋅ June 24, 2018
I've noticed that. I always get a lot of pushback on conversations that involve my views on the realities of humanity and society. People don't like to think that you're talking about them when you give a negative opinion, which I understand.
Superposition Deleted user ⋅ June 25, 2018
Oh yeah, everyone is under the illusion that they are a good person. Honestly, I don't try to break that spell anymore. I think everything is subjective...some people can handle talks like this, some people can't, who are we to judge?
Deleted user Superposition ⋅ June 25, 2018
Yeah I learned that pretty quickly. Let people think what they want to think, as long as it doesn't interfere with other people's existence. I draw the line at people who have a superiority complex though, my impulse is to take them down a peg. I like talking to you, it gives me validation that somewhere in the world, there are people who use their brains. You seem more peaceful than myself though, I'm a bit of a misanthrope.
Superposition Deleted user ⋅ June 25, 2018
Oh, I was a huge misanthrope for a long time...I went to some really dark places, I had a lot of anger and frustration issues, but I made the decision to actively work on that shit...I didn't want to feel that way anymore, so I started seeking answers, and the cool thing is that when you start seeking answers, they will come. The humbling thing is that as you find your answers, they always come with more questions, and you start to understand that you're never going to understand everything so you have to learn to just go with the flow.
Deleted user Superposition ⋅ June 25, 2018
"The humbling thing is that as you find your answers, they always come with more questions, and you start to understand that you're never going to understand everything so you have to learn to just go with the flow." That's so funny, in the post I wrote this morning, I talk about getting a quote tattooed on me and that's exactly what it's about: how questions give answers and answers make questions, and once you understand that, you're intellectually free. It was written by a 17-year-old and my favorite passage I think I've ever read.
Superposition Deleted user ⋅ June 29, 2018
beautiful
Deleted user Superposition ⋅ June 29, 2018
Thank you. And I'm glad you're back Dane