3/2/05 in Victim of Society

Why is it that I always seem to be waiting for something? Waiting for someone to come into my life, waiting for something to happen, waiting for a good change to occur. I don't know why I'm waiting. I should be trying to do things myself but I don't seem to be doing that because I am always just waiting for something. I just don't know what. Today at work me and Justin had a long good talk and it was nice. Right now I'm trying to get over the whole Matt/ecstasy thing and even though it's been almost a year, I still feel emotionally damanged because of it and so I am trying to work on that because I feel as though it is holding me back from being happy. Justin and Eddie say since it was a traumatic thing, it will take me a long time to get over so I guess they are right. Ever since Justin got a DUI, he's been hanging out by himself lately and we were talking about that and I was telling him how that is what I do most of the time now too so he knows what it's like. But we both have the same feelings towards people like we don't like to hang out with people that much and don't have much in common with people and both believe a lot of people are pretty fake. Anyways, being a manager sucks. I want to quit but at the same time I know I can't so I'm just sort of stuck. My counselor from los osos called me today to see if I have been working on my online courses and I lied and said I have. She said I have until the end of May to complete them if I wanted to graduate with the class. Ugh I hate them I don't want to do them but I also know I don't really have any other option if I want to graduate with a Los Osos diploma so whatever, I'll just do my best and if I don't pass the stupid test I'm going to be fucking pissed but oh well nothing I can do about it. Why does graduating have to be so fucking hard?!? The other night I went to Eddie's and we both got a parking ticket lol because I didn't leave until like 4:30a.m. and we were parked on the street but oh well it was worth it

Last night I got super stoned and was just listening to trance music and thinking about the rave and I totally felt like I was on E and kept remembering the night with Matt and getting sad but I knew it was what I had to do as a sort of therapy. Next time I do that I want to be with Eddie though to sort of replace the image I have of Matt, if that makes any sense. And I was seriously just zoned out laying in my dark room with just a lil glow stick light for like 2 hours just feeling the music and since I wasn't really on E I realized E isn't that great because all you are doing is zoning out for a few hours wasting time. Not being productive. It's not that great. And that's what I have to keep telling myself...it's not that great....it's not that great...