I have been feeling so alive lately, and so grateful for the people in my life.
I have met some new and amazing people.
I still want to die.
Lately, I have so much anxiety over the idea of death that I can’t even fucking handle it.
Every night when the sun goes to sleep I start to feel this creeping sensation that starts in my legs…moves to my chest…and then my arms…up my neck…and suddenly my tongue hurts because I’m clenching my jaw so hard…and I guess the tongue is a muscle so it’s cramping, right?
I don’t know what the sun going down has to do with anything.
I used to love it when the sun went down.
I used to want to die.
Now I’m afraid of dying so much that I just want to get it over with.
I’m about to go to the beach at night with a friend and drink and get stoned.......it will be one of those nights that they write scenes about in movies.
I still want to die.
The passage of time is cleansing all of the meaning out of my life.
I can’t hold on to a single fucking thing.
Nothing seems important…nothing seems worth it.
I have three months left of school, and I have been learning some really cool shit…some really valuable stuff.
It all seems like nothing.
I had a sex dream last night…right when we were about to fuck, I stopped her and I told her that my medication was killing my sex drive, and even though I’m attracted to her and want to have sex, we have to go get some boner pills from that gas station.
She was disgusted with me.
I can’t even have a proper sex dream.
Tonight, the dog has been hanging out on my bed with me, which he rarely ever does…and that’s been nice…it kind of makes me feel like I have a little bit of contact with something alive.
I have a date on Sunday…and I don’t know how I feel about it.
I’m in no position to be dating anyone, but I just feel so lonely.
We’ve been texting a little bit off and on, but she’s so fucking boring to talk to.
I have mixed feelings about paying for a date that might ultimately just suck.
I feel like this potentially could be a huge waste of money.
I don’t even want to fuck.
I just want someone to love me for the monster that I am, but everytime someone gets close to me and I tell them exactly what I am, they keep a safe distance…which…makes so much sense…I can’t even fault anyone for it…it just makes so much sense. I am a real monster, in so many ways.
I am the kind of creature that parents tell their kids about at night to keep them safe and scared.
I am a living, breathing, cautionary tale.
And I will fucking poison you if you get too close.
Which is why I can only run with other people who are already poisoned…
..and even in that community, I am an oddity.
I am poisoned, and I am crazy.
How about that?
And we don’t date muggles in my community…that’s what we’ve taken to calling them…not my choice, I don’t like Harry Potter…but we still call them Muggles…so that’s what they are.
I don’t want to kill myself.
I just hope I get into a car crash that kills me..
I’ve had several visions about it…and that’s the way I’m going to die.
I just want to get it over with already.
I feel like I’ve already learned a shitload of lessons here…like, I get it…I’ve turned my entire life around, I’m no longer dangerous, or mean, and I hardly ever break the law anymore.
I know I’m still a monster…but I don’t kill anymore.
I don’t even hurt anyone anymore.
Just fucking kill me…
like…if I could talk and God could listen…that would be the only thing I would ask for.
Just fucking kill me.
Just fucking kill me so my family doesn’t have to sit and deal with my suicide, because I can’t do that to them.
I don’t love doing anything anymore.
I love some people, but nothing brings me joy or satisfaction anymore.
I can’t keep just going through the motions.
I really don’t want to just drink myself to death.
I don’t want to get any fatter or uglier than I already am…I don’t want to keep feeling the aging process and hurting for no reason.
I don’t want to have to deal with anymore of the people I love dying.
…I’m never going to have any kids…so there’s really no reason for me to keep going at this point…like, do you really think I’m going to contribute anything to society?
I spent the first 30 years of my life trying to contribute to society…I gave them my visual art, I gave them my music, I gave them my writing, I gave them my jokes.
A handful of people cared.
I gave the world everything I have and only a handful of people cared.
And most of those people are dead now.
I just think I’m done…and I’m not going to kill myself…so please, god…please…just kill me.
If you have any mercy in you at all, if you love me at all, if you care…just kill me.
Send me to Hell, I don’t care.
At least in Hell I will be serving a purpose, I will be paying for my sins, it will be meaningful.
I can’t handle this hollow.
Please, god, just kill me.
I’m sorry you read this.
I love you.