Question in Self-Improvement, 2018

Has anyone here ever taken Xanax? My therapist, who admitted to not being a big fan of benzos, thinks that in my case, they might be beneficial/necessary for me to get me through certain stressful social situations (like job interviews). Like a low dosage and small quantity, non-refillable prescription. Since she’s a licensed therapist and not a doctor, she can’t write the prescriptions, but she strongly encourages I go in and ask about it. Shes says i could test it out at one of my appointments, which I think is a trick to get me to open up more and delve into previously undelvable topics.

But whatevs. I have no idea what they’re like, so if you’ve used them…will I turn into a zombie and just share my secrets with the world?

Focus/attention span has been an issue though. I think because it hasn’t gotten any better during the time I’ve seen her, or even after the divorce was finalized, she’s more understanding that its an actual “thing” for me. At the very beginning of this last appointment, I started unconsciously rubbing one of the couch pillows that was new and had a texture about it. I was staring into blank space though, not at the pillow or at her. She noticed, and all of a sudden, she was like “Look! I got a new fidget toy!” and then placed it in my hand, which stopped me from rubbing the pillow. She sounded so proud of herself, I got the goofiest smile on my face. I almost said “Did you steal this from your daughter’s toy collection for the evening?” But I caught myself. This was what the fidget toy was (but in girly colors):
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My 30-year-old self played with this thing the whole 60 minutes (she doesn’t do the ‘50 minute hr’). I did notice I was talking to her more though and more “present”. At appointment before last, I played with my shoe strings. The one before that, I traced the outlines of the design on one of the other couch pillows. I NEED THINGS IN MY HANDS.

Sigh. I still need to write about my sister/brother-in-law/nephew’s visit, but there’s just so much to write about that I think I’ll just continue to put it off.

Last updated June 20, 2018