1/27/06 in Victim of Society

Chrissy's funeral was really nice. It makes me wonder what mine will be like when I die. I hope something like that. I was thinking about it alot, my funeral. I thought about who would come. I wonder if Eddie would, or Matt. I doubt Matt would though. I was thinking about how if I had a picture of me and Matt I would want it to be on my slide show of pictures and for him to see it and know how much I loved him. But there is no picture. And no funeral for me. And no Matt in my life. sigh. For some reason I want to organize my funeral right now. What if I die soon, I want to have this type of thing organized. Chrissy had this cool spirtual lady come in and cleanse the place. I wanted to talk to her but had to leave right after the funeral for work.

Work was terrible. I was so stoned and Eddie was so pissed, as usual. And being stoned just made me more paranoid about how upset Eddie was. I was scared to even breathe around him. I was craving gummy worms so Andrea bought me some. And then she left and Eddie was bossing me around like "Go do this." and "Go do that." Finally 8 came around and Eddie finally told me to leave. I got out of there was fast as possible and stepped out side to smoke my last cigarette because I'm going to stop for 16 days for Chrissy.

Anyways, I was just thinking about how much work sucks now, and how weird it would be if Craig came back. I'd treat him like shit and give him the cold shoulder just as well. If only I wasn't so stupid in the past. Getting involved with older guys I worked with, very stupid. Oh well I learn from my mistakes right?

Steve has been bugging me, well actually pressuring me to have sex with him but I don't see how I could ever. I'm just not into him that way, and thinking about it kinda grosses me out. Then there's Jeremy. He wants to "make love" to me. He's only had sex with one other girl and that was his ex-gf who he was with for like a year. He says he just wants to "experiment" with hooking up with me because he never has with just a friend. I don't know though because I don't want to be just an "experiment" and I have hooked up with just friends, it's not that great or anything. Besides it will probably be really awkward and how the hell will I be able to take my clothes off in front of Jeremy. It's Jeremy. That random dude I met at CK, the guy who stares right into my eyes when he talks to me, the really smart one who carries around multiple packs of cigarettes and hangs out with the nerdy kids. I don't know. But anyways, he wants to tomorrow night, well really tonight since it's 12:32 am. I guess I can just go over his house, his parents are gone for the weekend, and we can put on a movie and see where things go from there. . . maybe.

Scotti invited me to San Francisco this weekend. I really wanted to go cuz I love san fran but of course i cant because I have to work. Oh well....

I'm so tired and stuffed. I ate so much fucking crap tonight and waited for like 2 hours for my mom to get off the computer. But now I am tired so goodnight journal.....