1/23/06: R.I.P Chrissy in Victim of Society

Well Chrissy died.

It was just so random, just like Josh's death and it leaves me wondering who is next? I feel like life is just one sick joke. I'm sick of people trying to get sympathy out of other people's deaths too. I understand someone close to them died but they don't have to act like mother/father and be the one's in charge of everything. I'm sick of starting to get close to people only to find out they aren't going to stick around. I'm sick of feeling so anxious to get the hell out of here. I'm sick of stupid shit holding me back. I'm sick of not having enough money to LIVE my fucking LIFE. You never know when you are going to die and for that reason I want to fucking LIVE now. And when I say LIVE I mean do the fucking things I WANT to do with MY life. I have a feeling this whole roadtrip thing is not going to be what I want it to be. I have a feeling I'm going to go on it and come back here and things are just going to be like they always have been. Just go back to CPK, living with my parents, getting fucked over blalblabla. I don't want this anymore. And thats what no one understands. They think I'm going on this roadtrip to take a breather away from this fucking place. But I'm going on this roadtrip to start OVER someplace else. Meet NEW people. Fucking forget about the past. I don't think that is what Andrea wants though. I think she just wants to pause, have fun on the roadtrip, then come back to CPK and Dave and everyone else. But I guess I don't have to come back here with her. I dont even know what the hells going to happen out there but I'm sick of waiting and I want to leave soon.

Well I haven't been hanging out with many people lately because everyone has really been bugging me lately. I just have a lot on my mind and Chrissy's death has sort of left everyone in a mess and nothing seems like it's ever going to settle. I'm finally done with Los Osos and about to start online courses and then I'm fucking DONE with highschool FINALLY. I'm most likely going to go to bartending school for now just to have some cash until I figure out what I want to do with my life. I hate to say this but I feel like the time is coming where everyone drifts their own seperate ways. I don't know if I'm ready for that but I think I am. Scotti's RARELY around anymore, Andrea is always with dave, Margot's been talking about plans of MARRIAGE with Scott and I'm just like ---alright. Time for Natalie to go HER own way. I think this year is going to be a lot more adult-ish then last year because I'm an adult now and things are just...different.