1/15/06 in Victim of Society

Mom always told me weed was a very bad thing, and that if I ever smoked it and she found out she would send me to rehab. Hearing that as a child, made me scared and believed weed was a terrible thing. If weed was as bad as she made it out to seem, it's probably on the same level as ecstasy and cocaine and all those other drugs people talk about. So when I was finally offered weed I was pretty scared to try it, but being a 9th grader and not caring about many things any more, I just decided to do it anyways. Wow..that wasn't that bad, I thought. In fact this shit is nothing. I want something bigger. My mom acted as though pot was the devil and I did it! And nothing happened! Give me something bigger!

I was about to enter 11th grade. I was finally 16 and definitely ready to find a job. I applied EVERYWHERE, or so it seemed. I was about ready to give up when I noticed a sign on a pizza place I never even knew existed. The sign said "Help Wanted". Oh well.. I might as well try....I filled out the application and had an interview right then and there. Looking good, I thought. Literally 2 hours later, the manager called me and I was hired! OMG I couldn't have been happier! I had a job!

December 12th, 2004- Josh died. 11th grade had started out so good. I had decided I would try to get straight A's. My job was going great and the people who worked there seemed so nice. But when Josh died EVERYTHING changed. I no longer cared about my grades. I no longer hung out with everyone I used to hang out with. December 16th, 2004, my 17th birthday came and it's the first birthday I had where I felt a lot older. Before Josh died, it was always Andrea, Scotti, Gil, Josh and I. But after he died we all just went our seperate ways. I was depressed. I started smoking. I hung out with all the older guys from work. I dropped out of Bonita. I felt like I had stepped into a different world.

Craig. He was there for me when Josh died. He picked me up when I was down. He was always just a phone call away. I depended on him to save me whenever I was drowning. He was the oldest guy working at Claremont Pizza Kitchen. I was obsessed with him. Everyone knew it but they laughed about it. I was the little seventeen year old girl. He was the 23 year old crusty. For some reason I did not give up on him like I usually did when I thought I would never have a chance with a guy. Craig was different. I thought maybe, somehow I actually would have a chance with him. I was literally going crazy. I replaced my grief over Josh's death with this ultimate fantasy of me and Craig. And I wouldn't give up until I had him.

May 20th, 2005 would have to have been the best day of my entire life. Working with older guys meant being invited to parties, smoking weed with them up on the roof, driving at look out point and being asked numerous times if they could kiss me. I loved them all and the attention they gave me. As much as I was obsessed with Craig, there was always a little piece of my heart that went out to Matt. Everyone knew Matt and Miki were high school sweethearts, but I knew they had NOTHING in common and it pissed me off so much that they were together. Matt was what I considered to perfect boyfriend. On May 20th, his girlfriend left for Canada and Matt invited me to a rave party. Waiting by the bus stop for him to pick me up, I was so anxious and also a little nervous. I was going to try ecstasy and I was going to a underground rave with MATT! I felt like the luckiest girl alive. And Miki had NO clue about it. The whole night was the most amazing experience I have ever had. For the whole next week after that, me and Matt were unseperable. That is, until his girlfriend came back from Canada.

When I finally had sex with Craig I was in shock. I could not believe we actually did it. HAHA I thought to myself, everyone told me he would never get with me and they were wrong! I was right! I couldn't go to sleep that night. He didn't even sleep next to me he wanted to sleep on the floor but at the time I didn't even care, I was too shocked. The guy who gave me the best advice, the guy who was always there for me, the guy I had been obsessed with for almost a year finally had sex with me. . . and then never talked to me again.

"I can't fucking pee!" I yelled at Margot and Andrea. I just took an ecstasy pill that I had bought from Matt and it was just us three girls at andreas grandparents house since they were out of town. I drank water and my bladder was FULL. But for some reason I could not pee, I thought my bladder was going to burst. I was so scared. I was throwing up. I was freaking out. I blacked out. Three days later I woke up in a hospital with all my family members and friends around me. The doctors had told them I wasn't going to live. And if I did, I would be a vegetable.

When everyone found out about Craig and I having sex they were suprised and pissed at him. Justin punched him in the face. I was pissed at him myself. I couldn't believe he would just stop talking to me like that. I thought my friendship had meant something to him. Maybe I was just lost in the fantasy and didn't really know what was going on in reality. Not only was Craig not talking to me, but Matt never wanted to see me or talk to me again either. I felt so confused. What did I do? "He just feels guilty", everyone would tell me.

My family had no clue I would ever even think about doing ecstasy. I told them how much I had changed after Josh's death and after working at Claremont Pizza Kitchen and the look in their eyes was so sad. I had to go into counseling and it was discovered I was bi-polar. I was put on medication but I wasn't myself. But by this time of my life, I didn't even know who the hell I was or who the hell were my true friends. I didn't trust anyone and was torn at the fact I lost 3 best friends in not even a year. I didn't stay on the medication for long.

Well during the summer I had quit Claremont Pizza Kitchen, after Kyle another guy who worked there, brang me back to a dark alley and tried to rape me. But September 2005, I was back working there again and I had started a new school, Los Osos. I wanted to change. I wanted to figure out who I was and where I was going in life. And the employees who were now working at CPK, were a lot different then the old crew. I was sad because they looked boring, but I knew it was for the better and there wouldn't be any drama. Well I thought wrong because Eddie was still working there.

Eddie was always "the nice dude". I didn't like nice dudes. But since I was trying to change and start my life back over again I decided to give him a shot because he, apparently, like me a lot. At first I was just in it to have sex but he told me he wanted to wait until I was 18. So during that time, I ended up falling for him hard. We hung out all the time and even fooled around a little bit. We went out to dinner, went to Rhino Records, watched movies, and flirted with eachother constantly at work. I felt so lucky. Wow, I have this GREAT guy in my life now who I trust that will not hurt me!! I must have been blind.

My 18th birthday FINALLY came! We had planned to wait until I turned 18 to have sex, but of course we ended up having it before then. December 16th, 2005, my cousin, her boyfriend, him and I all went out to Hollywood, Yamashiro for dinner. It was great but the whole night Eddie was in a terrible mood which made me feel uncomfortable. For the following week, Eddie seemed to be ignoring me and acted really grumpy at work. I could tell I was losing him and we weren't even officially boyfriend girlfriend yet. But I did not want to lose him, I really really liked him. Christmas came and he called me for a brief moment but had to go and said he would call me back later. He never did. He ignored all my calls the next couple days and finally when he answered, broke up with me. As much as I knew it was coming, I was still shocked. I was the one that was supposed to leave him. I'm not supposed to get hurt by him! He was the one who liked me so much! I was the one who decided to give him a chance! He asked if we could still be friends. I said no. He started crying and hung up the phone.

Well it's January 15th, 2006 today and I am still single and planning to remain that way for awhile. Tonight I get to work with Eddie since he is manager-- great. I can't believe I was once so excited to get to work with him and now I don't even want to see his face. The reason he broke up with me he said was because he never even wanted to get into a relationship with me. That he was only happy with me 25% of the time and that he just wanted to "help me" to fill the void Matt and Craig had left me. I don't need any fucking help and I cannot afford to lose anymore of my friends. I lost Josh. I lost Matt. I lost Craig. AND I lost Eddie. I think that is enough for one year.