1/02/06 in Victim of Society

"I always feel guitly about selling MDMA"
That was Matt Hadsell's headline on myspace. UGH I feel so bad I wish things didnt have to turn out this way. But they did and I havent been that happy since. The only comfort about reading that headline was knowing he at least thinks about me. He left Miki a comment that said "I love my miki" and i just felt so jealous thinking UGH he and i were soooo close at one point and stupid ecstasy and miki were just in the fucking way of what could have been.

Eddie and me are ok I guess. We talked things out but I am still upset that we aren't together and I miss him so much. He was alone new years and thinking about me so that is nice to hear. Meanwhile I was at a party making out with a couple of guys haha. But nights like this I wish we were together so I could go over his house and cuddle with him and fall asleep next to him on his little mattress.

Steve and Jeremy have been calling me and leaving me messages these past two days but I keep ignoring them. I dont know, I just feel like, why bother, Im not that into them...I still like Eddie so much ....and Matt..who knows what exactly I feel for Matt but I know there is something. Why start other drama and shit with other guys when I have other burdens to get rid of. Life is frustrating and confusing and I feel like I am not going anywhere. Everyday is exactly the same, just like Trent Reznor says. I wish something big (but good for once) would happen and things would all change and I'd start going in a different, more productive path in life and make a good use out of myself. Instead I sleep in every morning and do the same old shit as I did the day before. Nothing really important or exciting. And it's raining so that is always depressing....