12/11/05 in Victim of Society

As of right now December 11th, 2005 I am feeling:

Sad because tomorrow will be exactly one year since Josh died. I am going to go to school but I might just leave early so I can go to the cemetary and visit Josh. I really don't want to leave Josh flowers because if he was here I don't think he would want me to give him flowers but what else should I give him? Maybe I will write him a note or something. Even if I don't end up going to the cemetary it doesn't matter because only Josh's body is at the cemetary not his spirit. His spirit is all around and his spirit is who truely made Josh, Josh. Well that is if spirits exist and everything. Which I am still unsure of. All I know is that I miss him a lot lot lot.

I am also thinking about:

Eddie. How lucky I am. How awesome he is. How stupid I am for wasting my time liking Craig so much back in the day. How mad I am at myself for still having feelings for Matt. He's long gone and I should be long over him. I can tell though that I slowly am. The closer me and Eddie have been becoming, the farther apart my feelings for Matt are getting. So that is a good thing. But you always know when I am thinking about Matt when I become suddenly quiet. Or start singing aloud to a certain song. Or am outside looking at the moon.

My favorite music right now:

-Ladytron -NIN -Depeche Mode

My future: I want to travel for sure. You can't live your whole life never even getting to see the whole world. Or at least some of it. If only money wasn't an issue. Why do only the rich people get to live life to the fullest? It's not fair. They go off on the private jet planes and tour the world just for appearing on TV and looking hot. While the rest of us slave over a hot oven, dealing with rude customers and stinking of garlic with a hint of Windex. And all the work for such a low pay. Oh well though...nothing I can do about it. I want to change the world but I am just a spec here on Earth. I once got a fortune cookie that said "After you've tried to change the world, you find it a lot easier to change your mind." True I guess. Well as long as I move out of La Verne, maybe become a writer, work on art pieces, maybe fall in love. Maybe even have a kid.....at least I will be changing my life and my life is part of this world....