12/10/05 in Victim of Society

Well yesterday I was in a pretty shitty mood. I still can not believe I am less then a week away of being 18. Everyone told me it wasn't a big deal but I have seriously been waiting so longgggggggggggggggggg. And now here it is. And I still don't have any set plans and things don't feel different. Which is a HUGE disappointment. Every year on new years eve I have one wish and that is to have a fucking better year. And each year just keeps getting worse. Why should next year break that chain and be better? I don't know but I also do not know how it can be any worse than this year was and if it is I probably will have to shoot myself. Anyways, on Monday will be a year since Josh died. I can not even believe he is gone. I wish more than ever he was here now. He'd be almost 18 too and we could have gone to strip clubs together and clubs and everything. But no he's not here and knowing that just makes me even more depressed about this month and I just hate December and I want to have a fucking fun birthday and really feel like wow I am fucking EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD! I talked to Angela and she might go with me to club beat it so hopefully we can do that that would be fucking sooooooooooo fun!

I don't know why, but I have been just feeling so frustrated with everything lately. I feel like I have a bunch of unsettled shit that I want to settle before the year is over and things have been so cluttered and I just want to sleep december away.........

Anyways, last night since I was in a bad mood I just went to CK cafe and wrote poetry and that made me feel a lot better but also kinda sad because most of it was about Matt. I miss him so much it's not fair. I'll post some of my poetry in another entry another time....But after that I went back home and watched Vanilla Sky and then Margot and Fabian came over and I felt kinda lonely and bored so I texted Eddie and told him to "come fall asleep with me tonight" and then he called me and promised me he would so I felt better about that. Then I took a shower and Margot took fabian home and then her ex bf scott came over and they fell asleep in the guest room. I looked at the time and it was almost 1:30 so I texted Eddie wondering if he was going to bail out on but he said he was going to be over shortly. FINALLY he came over and we plopped on the bed and cuddled and did some other naughty stuff and then had a long talk about things which made me feel better. I had been wondering what exactly we were and he said "seeing eachother exclusively" so that's good. I just wish we were like boyfriend/girlfriend. I wonder if we ever will be. I really like him a lot and AM SO HAPPY I finally feel comfortable with a guy.

Well tonight Jamie invited me to Maricris's party and then called and said maricris said there was too many people so I couldn't go but I know its really because she doesn't like me. I dont care cuz I dont really like her either I just thought it would be funny to crash her stupid party. Then angela called me and I guess im going to go to some party with him hopefully its fun, her friends are pretty chill. THENNNN im probably going to go over and stay the night at jamies and get fucking crunkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. maybe damir will be there. hes back in cali and i still havent seen him yet. It will be pretty weird finally seeing him after sooo long. Oh well I better go im going to call andrea and see if she wants to go but im guessing shes going to be TOO BUSY WITH POOKY BEAR LoL