11/27/04 in Victim of Society

People are so wrapped up in all of their own petty problems that no one sees the real picture anymore. Perfect example would be me.....So I finally realize that all these guy problems are dumb and I try to focus on more important things like "The meaning of life" And "Ways to be truely happy", you know, things that actually matter...but my mind gets preoccupied when stupid drama starts up again. I realized that when a day goes by that Eddie doesn't call me or I don't see him, I feel like something is missing and that my day isn't complete. I know it sounds stupid but it's just how i feel. Yesterday he had the whole day off of work and I KNEW he wouldn't even call me but I was getting in my weird-psycho-suicide mood and I wanted to hang out with him sooo bad so I just tried calling him. OF COURSE he didn't pick up his phone. I kept thinking about how Matt would always pick up his phone when I called him and how HE was always there for me and Matt THIS Matt THAT until my mind just with crazy with thoughts and memories I wanted to scream! "Just kill yourself Natalie YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO BE SAD AGAIN" If only it was that easy right? Finally I went to sleep and woke up back to normal this morning and went to visit Josh's family and Michael Lindewall was there. We didn't stay long though because me and andrea had to work and they went to the cementary. At work Eddie comes in and I'm pretty pissed and he knows it and tries to explain himself and I just look at him and cut him off saying, "No I'm not mad and I don't care" and walked away. And he tries talking to me but I just give him short answers and a big fake smile. He called my cell phone and left a message saying he was with Kyle at this party and got totally wasted and I just stood there thinking, WOW thanks for calling me and inviting me and THANKS SO MUCH for ignoring my phone calls and THANKS AGAIN for not calling me back all night. Around 8 I told him I was going home and clocked out and he texts me asking why I was so mad. So I explain why and just get even more pissed thinking about it. So me and andrea go up to clairs house to drink and it was fun because everyone we used to hang out with was there and we were all laughing drinking, just having a fun time. But I still felt like something was missing and my day wasn't complete. My cousin called and asked if I wanted to go see a movie with her and her boyfriend so I said yeah and invited steve because steve kept texting me asking if I wanted to watch a movie with him. And I was thinking "Yea this will get Eddie back...." But then Steve goes "You know what I just got stoned I dont really want to go see a movie anymore." I was so pissed I just laughed and said "Ok watever and hung up" and he texted me and was like "The real reason I didn't want to go was because I wanted to be alone with you" and I texted him back "WTF!!!!!" and he was like "Because we always make out when we are alone" OMG I was soo pissed when I read that...that fucking little piece of shit always wanting a fucking piece of me just can't even go see a movie with me AS FRIENDS unless he knows hes gonna get something. WTF was I thinking. That just made me start thinking of Eddie and I called him right away and said I wasn't mad and I was sorry for getting so upset and told him I wanted to hang out with him after the movie got out. So I met my cuzin and her boyfriend at the movies and we saw "Walk the Line" or sumthing, that jonny cash movie and it was soo good I learned alot about jonny cash it was cool. But yea after the movie got out I called Eddie but he was with mike and said he would call me later but I am so tired now its like 1:30 AM so I think I'm just going to go to bed....and tomorrow I have to STUDY STUDY STUDY for all those stupid tests I missed last Friday UGH!!! I HATE SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!