10/16/05 in Victim of Society

Well as you probably know, most of my days are depressing but today was ULTRA super DUPER fucking DE-PRESS-ING. UGH! It all started when I woke up and watched Crazy/Beautiful. I got all depressed thinking about Matt. Then I went to work on my scrapbook and made a page of Craig and Matt. I was working on Craig's page and looking through my photo albums for photos and such and this paper falls out. It was the paper he gave me that said "If you need someone to talk to call me. Craig." And it had his phone number in it. And I just started crying hysterically. Honestly, I fucking don't get whats wrong with me!!!! I just could not stop crying and crying. Finally I left the house and just went shopping and I had the worst headache from crying all day. At the store, everyone was looking at me all weird cuz i was kinda just floating by sulking and my face was a mess, and I looked just-dead...

Then I bought Andrea some fake flowers and pringles hoping that would make me feel better cuz usually when i get ppl things i feel better. I gave them to her and we started laughing. But I was at CPK. The place where everything started. Of course I was still going to be all depressed. Everywhere I turn, a fucking memory flashes through my mind..."Remember when we were playing hide n seek and matt hid in the lil freezer box by the door..." "Remember when Craig dropped the party pizza..." "Remember just chilling outside with everyone smoking and laughing..." Now it just fucking sucks there. Everyone is lame and it's never ever going to be the same. I feel this big lump in my throat and my heart hurts and I'M FUCKING SICK OF FEELING LIKE THIS. id rather be dead. Everyday the same thing. Can't I fucking go ONE day without thinking or crying about them?!?!?!? WTF is wrong with me!!!!!!!! I honestly feel like shooting myself JUST so I will stop thinking about them. I've tried everything NOTHING is working. They are ruining my life.........

And Eddie. UGH i dont fucking get him!!!!!!!!! At first he all acts like he likes me, all depressed cuz he doesnt have a girlfriend in his life, makes out with me and I FALL FOR IT. like a fucking idiot. I swear if he fucking breaks my already torn up heart, I will just fucking die. I cant take anymore of this shit. I need to just fucking forget about him b4 it gets worse. ALL he cares about is CPK CPK CPK CPKCPfuckingK. He doesnt even take smoking breaks ne more. Hes totally changed too. Everyone has. Everyone has moved on EXCEPT ME im fucking stuck in the past waiting for things to be ok again and like they used to be BUT thats obviously never going to happen and ppl already have excepted that EXCEPT ME.

I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW I WANT TO FUCKING DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!