10/13/05 in Victim of Society

I just want to feel safe in my own skin, I just want to be happy again I just want to feel deep in my own world But I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore On a different day, if I was safe in my own skin, then I wouldn't feel lost and so frightened But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore I just want to feel safe in my own skin, I just want to be happy again.

Thursday. October 13th.

Well Steve texted me last night and he wants me to go with him to some huge college party in San Diego and then stay at his friends house. It sounds fun and I really want to go, it's this Saturday. I just wish I was more attracted to Steve because I know he wants to have sex with me and this it the perfect opportunity for him to get what he wants. Most likely I'll be drunk and do it. I don't know why, but I'm just not sexually attracted to him. I just really can't picture me and him having sex but oh well...we'll see what happens.

Tomorrow me and Steve are going to the movies to see Domino because he got free movie tickets. It seems like he only wants me to hang out with him and when I want to hang out with my friends or other guys instead of him he gets all mad. I think he's jealous that I'll fool around with other guys but haven't give him any action yet. I just hate how he acts like he's my boyfriend and he's not! ugh...

Then there's Eddie. Out of all the guys in my life he's still number one and he acts like he likes me and everything when I'm around him but he rarely ever calls me and never answers his phone when I call him. AND he's always fucking busy!

Anyways not much else is going on in my life. Oh yeah I got the job back at CPK. I don't know if Margot did yet thought..I hope so because she will be all mad I'm still looking for a college and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. Which will most likely be go to Citrus for 2 years, transfer to ULV maybe live in a dorm depending on if I get high enough scholarships. Oh yea I found out universities DON'T even look at your highschool grades if you transfer. Thank god so it doesn't even matter what classes you take right now or how well you do AND you don't even have to take the SATS AND it's cheaper then going straight to a university. I seriously don't even understand why people do....But anyways nothing much else going on...I'm still-of course- sad about Matt and Craig and I'm still just trying to live a fun life without rave parties and Exstacy which is hard because I feel like I finally got introduced to such a fun life and then it just got ripped away all because of a stupid incident. So yeah I'm still trying to find something to substitute that fucking fun but dangerous lifestyle.

Well, Mr. Chertkow's art is going to be at the Santa Monica Gallery 16. It starts this Saturday but the art party is next Friday, October 21st 7pm-11. I'm soooooo excited!!! The last art show was so fun and this one is going to be even coller because Mr. Chertkow's going to be there I swear he's like my new role model...