10/10/05 in Victim of Society

This weekend was fun. Friday I had to work and when I got off I was in this depressed mood for some reason. I needed something, anything to get me out of the mood I was in. I couldn't stand another night feeling that way. So I asked Steve if he had any coke, of course he did. We planned to hang out later that night when Margot went to her boyfriends house. I told Andrea, Eddie and Margot what I was planning on doing that night, I still had second thoughts-but like I said, I needed something. But then Margot started crying and I could tell she really didn't want me to do it. In the end, when I was at Steve's, and it was sitting right there in front of me, I had to say no. He packed me a bowl instead which made me feel content and in the end relatively happy with my choice on saying no to the coke. Maybe another time...

Well anyways, there me and Steve were alone in his room-he was coked out as usual and talking like crazy. And there I was-too stoned to care or even understand what the hell he was talking about. I was just happy to be feeling so care-free and easily amused by the cartoons we were watching. And all these random thoughts entered my mind-pushing out all my worries. Random thoughts such as how hard it is to draw a corner of a room without drawing any lines. Time was going by so slowly but I didn't mind. I left around one and went home and was just glad I was able to fall asleep so well.

Saturday I had to work from 11-8 and the day was just dragging on and on. My manager was talking to me about the "true" religion from 11 until 3. Just going on and on about "God's plan of Salvation" and "The Beginning of Time". I'm not against religion or anything and I think it's good for society, but it's just not for me. I don't believe that "God" is the only way to happiness, infact I don't believe in God at all. And when people preach to me as thought they KNOW the truth, I get pissed off. I know they think they're helping me by "saving" me but I take it as an insult. It's as though they think they're better than me just because they are a part of this organized religion and "God's" going to "save" them and I just can't set my mind to believe any of their beliefs, and frankly, don't want or care enought to do so.

After the long day finally past and evening was setting in, my mom called to tell me her, my dad and my brother were going out of town for the weekend-FUCK YES!! I was completely transformed from the bored depressed mood I was in, into an excited state of mind and ready to party! 8 o'clock finally came and I rushed home to take a shower and get ready. I was so happy I even wore a skirt-which I don't wear alot because I think I have fat legs. I also kicked it up a notch with some fishnets and knee socks. Everyone started coming over and I quickly finished drink after drink. I even made pina coladas and put in a tad bit too much alcohol. I was already feeling super good but that didn't stop me. I kept drinking and drinking. I was even being nice to everyone! Margot and me started dancing and it reminded me of how much I wish I was hot enough to be a stripper-only because they make so much money!

The night was going great but then some how Matt Hadsell was brought up and I started crying. I don't understand why I still get so emotional over him. Maybe it's because I felt like he was a huge part of my life and then out of nowhere ripped out leaving me with this huge empty hole. Well thankfully I didn't cry for too long and I was up again and having fun. Steve came by and got me stoned as well-bad idea- I ended up passing out about thirty minutes later. I thought for sure I was going to get raped that night by someone, even maybe Steve. But luckily I didn't. I must have some good friends because the opportunity was definetly there. I know I should be more careful with myself but that's just not how I present things. I just do what I want, when I want.

P.S. My manager just called to inform me that Aloha went bankrupt and the courts closed all the stores today. Great so now I'm jobless.....