10/4/05 in Victim of Society

Step forward--your dreaming. Step back--a swift kick in the ass By your past That lingers on Like indigestion...........

I was talking to my cousin Faye today and she totally thinks I still like Craig. I was like UGH no i dont! I hate him. And she was like noo sounds to me like you still like him... EW do i? I fucking hope not. I mean I know I have been thinking about him alot. But it always switches from me thinking about the past with him or the past with Matt. It's not that I like them still right? Its just that Im still depressed about what happened. Everyones sick of me dwelling on it. Well duh so AM I fuckers. Thats why I need therapy...........

Steve texts or calls me everyday. There is no way I am ever going to be able to let him know I just like him as a friend and that I like (think I like) Eddie. And there is no way me and Eddie would ever be able to get together because whenever Im not busy HE IS. Whenever hes not busy I AM. So there would be no time for anything. UGH. Oh well I dont really need any relationship drama right now anyways, Im not even really looking for a boyfriend.

I don't really even want to have sex with anyone right now. Which is weird because usually Im like craving it. Especially when Im on my period which sux cuz thats when I cant.

Schools been lamer then ever. Chertkow says I missed a good art film on Friday Oh well.. I swear I totally needed that day off......

I checked out a few more books at the library. One about relationship problems like abusive boyfriends and shit like that. Another book is the complete set of Emily Dickinsons poems. There are like 1700 of her poems in this book and like 800 pages. I want to read as many as her poems as I can though and try to figure out what they mean. It's interesting. For some reason Ive been super into poetry. Like today I couldnt stop rhyming. I couldnt even to go sleep because all this poetry and rhymes were coming to my head. And I kept thinking and thinking of poems and poems and lines and lines and I wanted to write them all down but I didnt feel like getting up so they were all stuck in my head.