7/17/05 in Victim of Society

Ugh...Craig not talking to me is seriously effecting me. Like I thought oh well who cares I got what I wanted. But now I'm sad that he doesn't even care about me at all and can just ignore me for this long. I feel like doing something really stupid. I duno what but whenever someone hurts me I always find of hurting myself somehow. Like when Craig said he wouldnt have sex with me because I was a virgin, I went out and fucked some random guy I just met. But now that me and him did have sex and now that he hasnt talked to me since. I duno what stupid thing I'm going to do next. I wish I was 18 so I can just leave. I'm trying SO hard to forget about him and everything here reminds me of him and I'm getting so frustrated. I want to just go to his house and ring his doorbell and shoot myself in my fucking head right in front of him. HAH that'd be so awesome..but don't worry I'd never have the guts to do that. I'm like going crazy though! aghh. I can't wait to do E then after that I can start my medication and hopefully it will work like my mom says and I won't dwell on things that bad ne more like this whole stupid Craig thing. Tonight Margot and Andrea are coming over. Good thing because Im going crazy sitting in my house 24/7 I'd probably end up hanging myself or something just sitting here alone dwelling on every single thing Ive fucked up on in the past. I wish you could just erase certain things out of your mind, or totally forget people with the snap of your fingers. Why does the mind work the way it does? And why do we feel hurt because of people's actions? Why do I try to hide from people hurting me by hurting myself?