coming home in formless

given some time for reflection
I realize that I have been buying clothes/makeup because I am lonely
because if I dress a certain way, do my make-up a certain way
magically I will be happy and feel like I fit in

not too much, within my discretionary income, but it’s still things I don’t need
and the reality is I am a leggings and t shirt kinda girl
and I’m not good enough at applying make-up for it to make a difference
and am often doing things where it doesn’t make sense to wear any

and at the heart of things
these outside changes in appearance don’t change the fact that I am lonely
that I am mentally holding myself just out of reach of the water

I reached out to a friend
in the hopes of mending bridges
but there was only silence

it feels that way a lot of the time
I want to rent a car and drive up north by myself once I turn 25
I know people will have a problem with this
but I am tired of placing my happiness in the hands of others

XOXO
love and emmenathe
sayornis