Sleep Arrived in Skirting the Edge of Sanity

It’s been a good 24 hours off and on of just sleeping and watching youtube. It’s like candy to me. I have been learning from it, though. I thought it was just entertainment. It would be for others, but I found myself really watching the people and listening to their reactions. I have learned a lot about what works for shows and what doesn’t.

I can tell with all the copyright takedowns that it is not something companies have figured out they can use, though. Which is fine. Because maybe they’ll continue to break down the barriers and make creative television again. If they were doing what I’m doing they would see what sells and what doesn’t. That would leave a lot more violence and far less human connection stories. We’re already violent enough.

It’s even in me. I take out all my wishes to do damage on my Sims, though. Then I move on and treat humans like they’re… well, human.

to someone specific who isn’t going to answer, but I must write as if he can see it Do you remember how I kept saying the coworker who sought me out to talk to me for hours each week he had to work overnights didn’t like me? He was studying me. You kept saying there was no way in hell he could be spending so much time on me and not like me. For months, you tried to help me feel attractive enough to deserve his fondness. I knew, though. As much as I loved the conversations, and as much as I went home liking him, I knew he didn’t like me back. It was gut instinct. Then FINALLY you saw something that made you realize I was right. And you were upset about it. But you admitted I was right, and that he didn’t like me. You were sorry, but you needed me to know I was right. It was a dispassionate disclosure of fact. I still felt disappointed in being right, at that point. Later, I figured out the guy was hiding a second life of violence and indulgence in this disgusting perversion of old druid lore. I much later figured out that he had taken his innate psychopathic nature and found a group that wanted him to use it against people different than themselves. I seriously doubt he gave a rat’s ass about their goals. His underlying sadistic psychopathy started bleeding into our conversations. Right before he quit, he said some highly disturbing things. Anyway, no he didn’t like me, and the thin veneer of the person I thought I liked disappeared. It was upsetting and I still get embarrassed when I think about it. But the thing I remember the most was your clear voice chiming in with, “You’re right. I’m so sorry. I was wrong. He really doesn’t like you at all.” That was 2012, and yet I can still hear you clear as day. I could feel how you began to see me as others see me. It was the first time you didn’t want to try to convince me I was attractive. And since then? I don’t bother. I don’t try, anymore. You have attractive with you all the time. What the hell would you want me around for?

I can feel you wanting to return to the way you felt before that revelation that others saw me differently than you did. But I also know you probably can’t. Everyone wants her, and that makes you feel good about your status. Whatever it was you learned about how people see me, it’s been bleeding into my veins for years, now. I’m not totally ugly. However, I know that you can never unhear/read those words. They have affected me. Just want you to know that.