6/16/05 in Victim of Society

Everythings been so weird lately. Like I don't even know who my true friends are anymore and I feel pretty much alone. Lately Ive been trying to figure out everything. Like my true feelings, true friends, etc. Today I was in a really good mood and then I talked to Craig and he told me he got a DUI and isn't going to New York and I was happy for some reason that he got a DUI because maybe now he will look at this as a lesson like maybe he will try to shape up a little bit. But he was like your just happy cuz im not leaving. And I was like no thats not it but I know he doesnt believe me. I really do want him to leave. Just so he can go and find himself and shape up and everything and not come back until hes figured himself out. And I also want him to leave so I can get over him. I hate liking him so much. I hate not being able to be good friends with him because he just doesn't care about me the way I care about him. I hate how he's always in my mind. I want to focus on other things but hes always there taking my focus off things that I should be focusing on like myself and my life and where I'm going with my life and my future. I think I'm going to write him a letter and tell him I wrote him one. And if he wants it I will give it to him but if he doesnt say he wants it then I will keep it. I just feel like I have to get everything off my mind and tell him everything just to get it all out and in the open. I have been into wicca alot more and I realize I really need to start eating organic foods and vegan-friendly foods. I feel like not a true Wiccan and this is something that is important to me so I really think I am going to become vegan for reals this time. I just need to do this for myself and focus more on eating healthy, and practicing wicca more and being more intune with my beliefs and thoughts other then Craig. I can't even focus on my school work lately but I'm glad I'm on summer break now until June 5th. Me and Jimmy have been hanging out alot more because we are both sorta going through the same thing. Him with Andrea and me with craig. It's been cool getting closer to him because me and him sorta stopped hanging out but lately we have become friends again. We had this bonfire with Marco and it was alot of fun but the smores were kinda gross cuz there was too much chocholate. We told like scary stories and made our own fire it was cool. Then last night we went to CK and this weird guy came in and was acting like a monkey and kept asking for bananas and the chinese owner guy was like YES BANANAS WE HAVE THEM! and the guy kept repeating I want a banana! it was so funny lol. Then we went driving around throwing eggs and peoples cars and houses and we were gonna go hang out with matts band but I didnt want to go to Lyrics again cuz of this weird rapist guy who is always there lol. Then tonight we went to Open Mic night and we ate some fried tofu it was good. and after that we went to look out point and like wrote down all of our feelings and then read eachothers stuff and like we both sorta started crying. It's weird we are going thru like the exact same thing. Right now I just feel like so much is going on and at the same time nothing is going on. Its a weird feeling. Well I hope tomorrow is a good day. Matt is finally going to be working again so I get to see him! yay! He broke up with miki for AN HOUR and got back together with her. I was like ughhh but at least I know the only reason he got back with her is cuz she called him crying and he felt bad.