5/15/05: Virginity in Victim of Society

Well I lost my virginity in the back seat of my car last Saturday with a guy I had known for about an hour. Anyways, we didn't use protection and I'm freaking out that I have AIDs or something. Even though he reassured me several times that he is clean. Well you can never be too sure so I'm going down the PlannedParenthood with Kyle and Matt tomorrow morning to get tested. They have been really supported to me about this whole stupid thing. I don't even know why I wanted to fuck him so bad, but I did it on impulse and now I'm having all these neurotic thoughts that I'm going to die and all that. I looked up a physciatrist today and went over to visit his office but he wasn't there and the receptionist told me to write him a note and that she wasn't sure he could cover me since I was only 17 and he treats adults. I was scared that I was never going to get help and I started freaking out and crying. I think I scared the lady because she gave me a hug and told me she would think about me the rest of the day. Then I had to go to Options for Youth to do my STAR testing which of course I could not concentrate. How can I concentrate on some stupid tests when Im going to die soon anyways? I started talking to myself, but really I was talking to Josh, and asking him if I was going to be ok or not. I made up things I thought he'd tell me and that got me through the rest of testing time. Then I went to work and right away Kyle new something was up. So I told him and Matt that me and that guy never used a condom like I said I did and they said they'd go with me to get tested. Then after work we all went up to the roof to smoke some bowls. Kyle accidently put the alarm off and me miki and her friends freaked out and hurried down the steps. The guys just took there time and said we were stupid the cops werent going to come. Luckily, they were right. I told my mom that I thought I had AIDs or some kind of disease and that I was 99 percent sure I was going to die. She said I was just thinking neurotically because I was trying to make myself dwell on something else instead of thinking of Craig. And thats when I told her about having unprotected sex. She wasn't mad, just seemed disappointed and wished I didn't do that but now I "learned a lesson". Then she said she was pretty sure I was going to be just fine especially since he didnt cum inside me. I just can't wait to get tested and hope everything turns out negative. I watched that movie Kids and that made me even more scared of being HIV positive. It's a really scary thing and I would shoot myself if the tests come out positive. Anyways, I still have not talked to Craig but I left him a MySpace note a few days ago. Unfortunately, he never responded even though he is online right now and on myspace and has been on for 42 minutes. I guess this means he really doesn't want to be my friend. Well we don't have DSL for some reason right now it's all messed up. So I hooked up one of those free trial AOL thingys. I hope I don't mess up trying to cancel the order before the free trial hours are up because then its going to be charged to my moms visa account-- It's 2:24 AM and I know I should be sleeping but who can sleep knowing that they are probably dying?