recent events in random

i was gonna write a lot but once i opened prosebox and selected new entry my brain blanked. i guess i’ll just give an update on life.
my sister flew in from college a couple weeks ago. her girlfriend just got here two or three days ago. its been fun so far. we went to a couple places around here that her girlfriend has never seen since shes from a different state. i’ve been baking more.
and failing more. i havent been eating or sleeping or showering or doing anything properly lately. idk why. i’m never really tired or hungry and i forget to shower.
i relapsed a couple days ago. nothing major. just a couple on my thigh and reopening an older bigger one. that one is scabbed over and starting to scar now. which is disappointing. i wanna do more. i’ve actually been wearing short sleeves over the past two days or so and either no one has noticed or no one cares. either way its for the best. i cant remember when i can see my therapist next. i think its sometime next week. i forget what day it is. i wanna cry about nothing but at the same time i’m numb.
the thought of eating disgusts me. i’ll see food posts on instagram or wherever and just thinking about eating it makes me wanna throw up. i know its bad but i tried to purge the other day. i felt so gross and fat even though i’d only eaten some chips and salsa. i couldnt purge successfully though, which i guess is for the best.
suicidal thoughts have been creeping up. i have lots of possibly outdated pills and strong liquor so its not like i couldnt do it. and since my sister is already here she wouldnt have to pay for extra plane tickets. financially and physically, i could just end it all. request cremation and being buried with a tree seed or something. just a simple home burial. plant the tree somewhere they wont have to look at it every day. let them forget me and what a burden i am. i cant though. they have enough to deal with. debt and restaurants and cancer, oh my.
i know i’m just wasting time and money by existing but i’ll waste more by dying.

and yes, i do know that i’m just a whiny bitch looking for attention without any actual problems or reason to feel like this, thank you for reminding me

Last updated June 12, 2018