Ctrl Z in Daily Thoughts, Ideas, and Experiences

I think it’s pretty normal to wish I could go back in time and redo things. None of us are perfect and it would make things so much easier if we could do them knowing what we will come to know later on. But I’ve come to believe that all things happen for a reason. Not so much that the hands of fate are pulling at our every move, although I like the idea, but moreso the idea that everything that I have done has led me to where I am now. And honestly, that’s not so bad. Thinking about big forks in my life’s path help me to realize that my choices brought me to an alright place. Thinking about how different things could have been if I had said yes or took a step forward. As much as I would like to travel through these “what-ifs” there’s no point. No amount of thought will make things different.
Lately, I would really love to have a “forget” button. I know that remembering our bad choices or embarrassing moments will make it harder for us to repeat them in the future, but I don’t need that reminder every second. Especially since I have such a strong memory so every little thing that nobody else probably ever even acknowledged finds a way to pop up in my mind every once and while.
My own standard for myself is so high. Like I act so “chill”, I’ve had several people use this word to describe me, but I work so hard to stay right where I want to be. I’m agreeable but stubborn about the things I’m truly set on. I’m quiet but can engage in a good conversation and talk for hours when prompted. I’m smart but not loudly smart. I like to stay very balanced. And I try to be morally well. But when I remember these little things it tears at me. We always remember the bad anyways, and it adds up and makes me feel like a terrible person. That twisted intrusive voice commentates on everything. “Oh, you miss them? Well, you weren’t worth sticking around for.” “You got a B? You should have known all the answers.” “It took you 10 minutes to think of that? I thought your mind was actually functional.”
I’ve written about it before but sometimes I feel guilty for doing well at things. Just yesterday my painting teacher told me that he really wanted me to understand how talented I was and that I should continue painting. But I just felt so unworthy of such comments. But if I tear myself down for doing well what kind of example might that be for someone who admires me. Or someone who wants my help.
No one has no expectation of me. Well, they do but it’s not rigid nor is it unrealistic. But I constantly have to excel in order to feel right. I don’t even feel happy to excel, just content. But that nagging won’t stop. So I wish I could just “forget” the things that make me feel like a failure. I wish I could mute it all. Maybe I could actually do something with my skills if I believe they exist.