Do I know what I'm doing? in Not All Who Wander Are Lost

No. No, I do not.

I sort of feeling like I’m going through the novel The Awakening, but without the suicide at the end. But I do feel myself sort of . . . Breaking free, I guess, of things I always thought about myself or thought I could or couldn’t do. I’m getting a nose ring because why the fuck not? I’ve always wanted one. I’m 37. Fuck it. I waited until I was 35 to get a tattoo and now I have two and planning my third. I just tried pot for the very (yes, really, very) first time in my life. (It was fine. Kind of felt like inhaling potpourri.)

Things with Adam are . . . The same. They upped his dosage on Friday and if he doesn’t see an improvement by next Friday he has to call them again. It’s frustrating. For both of us. I know it’s not easy for him either, but, my god, I am just so tired of doing everything on my own. Everything. I did manage to get Adam up and out the door to take the girls to a movie tonight, but he spent the entire day on the couch while I took Em to her volleyball game, did all the yard work, the laundry, and cleaning. So, I’m tired. I’m so so tired.

The guy. W. He is. Hm. Something. Could this be dangerous ground? Possibly. Do I really care at this point? Not really. I mean listen, NOTHING going on right now is what I thought it would be, but I’m dealing the best way I know how. It helps that I have literally the most amazing and supportive friends on the planet. ON THE PLANET. They are all amazing. But W. Back to W.

Last Wednesday I had a good two hours between work and meeting my friend for happy hour, so I had an impromptu visit with W. He works from home, so. Anyway. We’ve fucked several times but Wednesday he went down on me, like, really just took his time and oh my god it was amazing. I started crying, and then sobbing. Awkward. But it was just like . . . No one has been that intimate with me in so long. Yeah, fucking is fucking but oral is like . . . Someone has put a tongue on your clit. Like that is something else entirely. And he was so kind and gentle and sweet and it felt so amazing and I hadn’t had it in so long that I just started crying. Which. He took it well, I have to say. I mean we talked about it and I explained why I was having a nervous breakdown and he was super great about it. He told me later that his heart was aching for me. He’s so, so good with me. I don’t really understand how I managed to find someone like him who is giving me what I need at the exact moment I need it. Life is weird. But he’s reassuring, and kind to me. So kind to me. So kind and he doesn’t expect anything in return. And it’s genuine. He took my face in his hands and looked at me and said, “I see you. I see what you’re doing. I see how you’re keeping everything together and you’re so strong.” And like. I don’t believe that. I don’t believe I’m keeping anything together, and I never feel strong. I feel like I get by. I do what needs to be done and then I break down later. But either way. It was just nice to have someone look at me and say that.

Could I fall a little bit in love? Probably. I have a habit of falling in love with people. It’s very easy for me. But I know, I KNOW, it can’t be more. He doesn’t operate that way. And my goal, my ultimate goal, is to get my husband back. But I keep thinking . . . There’s no end time for this thing with Adam. I can’t say, in six months he’ll be better, so just hold out until then. There’s no timeframe. And I keep thinking . . . How long do I wait? How long do I say I put in all the time and effort I could and it just wasn’t going to get better? And if it doesn’t, and I leave him, am I leaving my sick husband? I can go around and around for days and days. I miss him. I miss him so much. I miss his attention and his touches and his cuddles. I miss sharing a bed with him and waking up with him. It’s been so long. So, so long. And I placate myself with fucking W, having his attention because it’s attention. It’s all just messy and confusing. But I know I’m not giving it up any time soon. god help me.

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Last updated June 03, 2018