Okay, so, MJ didn’t get back with her ex. She did, however, give him false hope by feeding his whole appreciation post deal. I mean, that was mean on her part but in her defense, she is .. well, she’s young, she doesn’t see herself as worthy so any bit of attention makes her feel good. I can vouch from personal experience that it does feel good and its easy to get swept up.
I just hope she understands that. She is a smart woman whose capable of a lot if she can get to a place where she can see herself as worthy.
Honestly…
I worry about her.
The last serious thing she said to me was she thinks that I will end up hating her.. This leads me to believe a few things…
First of all:
I have a feeling she is hiding something. I don’t know what it is… I worry about that.
Second of all:
I think that whatever this is, she thinks I will hate her for it… perhaps?
OR
She thinks that since she has screwed up before she is going to do so again and it will be something huge.. but I can’t see this happening.. unless she leaves me for another person, hurts my family/friends (which she wouldn’t do) or something more horrible but..
I can’t see her doing anything intentional.
I told her that much too. I told her all of that and I don’t know if it put her mind at ease.. or made the matter worse?
She was depressed after we spoke. She’s been depressed ever since and I know there is other shit going on in her life.
I don’t want her to hurt herself anymore. She hurts herself more than she hurts others by accident. I honestly think she has this habit of isolating herself cause she feels like she doesn’t deserve it. That she, some how, does not deserve happiness, friendship and love.
Mental illness can do that to us. I know that firsthand.
I know this is her fight but I pray that I can help her through it. I don’t know what it will cost me but I am willing to find out because she is truly worth it. I have been so angry with her and while I am right to be, I still cannot … give up hope.
Stupid hope. You suck.
When you think its game over, some shit happens. You get a miracle. You get revived. Then its time to fight on once again.
Also, I have learned that love is confusing, messy and full of shit.
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