The deal in Not All Who Wander Are Lost

The good, the bad, and the rest.

So, here goes. This is going to be a very personal and hard entry to write, but, hey, that’s why we have these journals, right? The hard thing is that I know a lot of you “in real life” (ie, on facebook,) so yeah. I mean. I hope everything I say makes sense, and that you understand, and that maybe if you don’t understand you are at least supportive. Okay. Here goes.

So, for a long while now, Adam’s been dealing with complete and total lack of emotion. He’s always been a bit lacking of emotion, or sharing emotions, but in recent months it’s gone from rare to nonexistent. We know he’s been depressed, he’s tried therapy, he hated it, and he’s been on about 3 different meds and so far none of them have helped. So it’s been hard. He’s still really, really, really good with the kids, spending time with them and cuddling when he can get off the couch. That’s another thing. If he’s not working he’s sleeping on the couch and when he’s not sleeping on the couch he’s on his computer. We haven’t slept in the same bed since we got back from Europe last June. We haven’t had sex this year and I don’t even know the last time we had sex. He is just . . . Dried up. Physically. Emotionally. And we’ve been dealing.

Last month I went to Europe for two weeks. I left April 1st and Adam left for a 1.5 month work trip two days before I got home. So we were not scheduled to see each other for 2 whole months. I kept asking him to send me flowers at work, because that would make me happy and let me know he was thinking of me. I reminded him of this several times and he was basically just like, well, I don’t like ordering flowers so no. So I’m like . . . Okay I am literally telling you how to make me feel good and you just can’t/won’t do it. Cool.

So I’m like, clearly upset and I’m like okay we’ll talk about it when he gets home. I told him several times “I’m worried about us,” and he was just like, yeah okay. So he gets home early, does not kiss me or say hi to me, spends some time with the kids, and then after they go to bed I’m like okay let’s cuddle and be together and he says he has an online meeting for his gaming forum in 10 minutes. And I’m like. Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me. I legit lost it. I hadn’t seen him in 6 weeks and he has to do an ONLINE MEETING. I was livid. I needed some goddamn attention from him and he literally could not give it to me. So we fought. Sort of. Adam never really raises his voice. But basically he told me he was empty inside, he felt nothing, ever, and he didn’t know how to describe it, which was scary, but he wasn’t suicidal or anything. I cried a lot. Told him a missed him and I needed sex and cuddles and love and his attention. He went upstairs. I cried a lot more.

Later I came up to use the bathroom and laid down next to him on the couch. He did put his arm around me and I said I was lonely and I didn’t know how to deal with that. He said he understood and he was sorry, it wasn’t fair. I told him it wasn’t his fault but he said it didn’t matter if it was his fault or not, it was still a pain he was causing me. And then he told me if I needed to look outside the marriage for comfort, I could and should do that.

And honestly, that wasn’t that much of a surprise to me.

Okay, so, shocking revelation number one. I slept with a girl a few years back. I’ve always identified as bi, though I had never gone “all the way” with a girl before. But the opportunity arose and when I talked to Adam about it he basically pushed me out the door. I mean, I think guys love the idea of lesbians, and women aren’t as threatening the way men are, so he was like go have fun and tell me all of it in detail later. However I felt SUPER GUILTY after. Like I’d cheated on him. I was miserable for days and I swore never to do it again. Spoiler: I did, several years later, with the same girl. I felt decidedly less guilty about it this time.

So, I talked to my friend Heather about it, because she’s probably one of the most open minded friends I have. She was understanding and sympathetic, and said it didn’t sound like that crazy or weird of an idea. She works as a home care nurse and she said the strain of a caregiver can be monumental. Not that I’m a caregiver to Adam, but it’s the same dynamic. He’s sick and I’m trying to help him and my needs aren’t being met in the process.

Then I talked to Jo about it, because she’s my bestie and I didn’t want to keep this a secret from her. She was also understanding but more reserved in her response. Which is understandable. Then I talked to my fabulous gay dad who was pretty much like honey, go get yourself some sex. To say I’d had a diverse sampling of opinions would be an understatement.

So. I figured I’d at least download tinder. I had a hard time saying yes to people, I think I ran through everyone in my area at least twice. Like it literally said we cant match you with any more people. And if I did swipe and match with someone I would freak out and shut the app down. Clearly so ready for the idea of dating after being with the same man for 18 years.

And then I matched with this guy. He was also married, they’d been in an open relationship for nearly a decade. He seemed funny and smart. We started chatting, I was 110% up front with where I was at, what was going on, and what I needed. I told him I might freak out and not be able to go through with it, and I didn’t want to waste his time. He was 110% okay with it.

I asked Adam again if he was okay with this. Like for real for real okay with it. He said he was again. I asked if he would be upset if he suddenly “got his emotions back.” he said no. And I really do believe him. Adam has never been the jealous type. Ever. Like it’s just not an emotion he experiences. You know. When he experiences them.

Either way. I discussed it when him like a billion more times until finally I set up a date with the guy. We chatted for a week about everything. Life and sex and our situations, movies, tv shows, comedians. Texts got flirtier and downright x-rated. And it was fun. It was so nice and fun. And still I was miserable and guilty about what I was doing. So I texted my therapist and said I needed to see her, like, the next day. I spilled my guts about everything to her and basically sobbed for my entire session. And she helped me through it. Because at the end of the day, Adam is the only man I can ever see myself ending up with. He’s my ending. I knew that the moment I met him. And I love him, and I want to stay with him, and it some weird way I feel like this is actually helping me deal with everything else. And I worried that it was just a distraction from what I was dealing with, but the thing is I can want polar opposite things that seem they can’t co-exist, but there is a way to make them work. And what I want - my husband, happy and healthy - I can’t have right now. So I need to figure out how to make our lives work until I can have that again. My therapist said it sounded like I had made up my mind, so why was I still trying to justify it? TBH I never trust my feelings so trying to justify them isn’t something new, this is just a HUGE thing. But she said you’ve made your decision. It’s not good or bad or right or wrong. It’s the decision you can make right now, with the tools you have, and now you get to decide how to make it work.

So. I met the guy. We actually have mutual friends, so I was preeeettty sure he wasn’t going to murder me. I texted Bob his address, though, just in case the police needed to look for me under his back porch. So we talked, and he held my hand, and then he kissed me and it felt amazing, and then . . . Yeah. It was. Really good. Like. So good. And honestly . . . I didn’t feel wrong or guilty or anything. It just felt good and I enjoyed it (like, A LOT.) He held me after and I actually thought about how I missed Adam holding me like that, and I started to cry, so I moved away a little and felt better. And we talked about random stuff and fucked again and then talked and then I had to go.

And I felt great. Like. Really great. Like holy shit sometimes sex can just be fun and non emotional and you can feel amazing after. It was like my anxiety about everything just lifted off my shoulders. So I went back to see him the next day. And it was even better. Like holy shit. So good.

And we’re just . . . We’re on the same page. He loves his wife, I love my husband. He is honestly not really my type in the least, in terms of men I’m usually attracted to, but he’s really kind and attentive toward him when we’re together and it’s NICE. Did I mention nice? It’s nice. I’m so honest about everything with him, like, I have a life and 3 kids and I can’t devote a ton of time to you and he’s like that’s fine, I’m here when you need me. Like it’s like he just wants to make sure I’m happy and comfortable and my needs are taken care of and holy shit how did I get so lucky to meet this guy who’s going to fuck me into mental stability.

So.

That’s where I’m at. Sleeping with a guy who isn’t my husband, with my husbands full knowledge, and it’s just sex, and I have no idea how long it will last, but for right now it’s making me really happy, and in a weird way it’s also making me love and want to make my husband better as soon as possible. I never, ever thought I’d be the girls to have an open marriage, but here we are. We’re muddling through. We’re making it work.

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Last updated May 19, 2018