05–17-18 in Daily Thoughts, Ideas, and Experiences

I have low self confidence and sometimes I feel guilty for it.
I should feel lucky, I have an easy time in school, there are things I’m good at, I’m not terribly unattractive. But I feel like as soon as I say I’m good at something I feel vain and disgusting. So I tear myself down to feel humble and kind. And that is fulfilling in a way.
But then people started comparing themselves to me. I love building people up but it’s so hard to do for myself. But if I am hard on myself for something that I did better than someone else, then aren’t I tearing them down too? If my “good”s aren’t good enough then doesn’t that make someone’s average terrible?
Sometimes it’s hard to balance between bragging and being mean to myself. Being neutral feels off center.
Sometimes it just feels like I’m supposed to be worthless and any tinge of pride goes against my purpose. It is so deeply ingrained that I’m scared to even think about changing.
But these things take time and I don’t need to deal with them right now. And that’s okay