scrambled in random

so i texted 741-741 yesterday
the urge to hurt myself or worse was overwhelming
the person on the other end said i was brave and a fighter for texting in
i disagreed
i felt weak like i needed to be stronger to push that blade farther or keep that lighter burning longer
its weird to think about
its weird how much just talking it out with someone who gets it can make a difference
even my therapist and psychiatrist dont help that much
i mean probably bc i can never talk cause i’m bad at talking and they always seem to have things to say about their own lives
not that thats a bad thing
just sometimes it feels more like a therapy session for them
i guess thats just how it is with me
always the one helping others feel better
i ordered some box cutters
i told myself i would only use them for paper crafts and art
of course thats what i said when i bought an x-acto knife
i guess we’ll see how it goes
i wonder if anyone even bothers to read these entries or care about some random garbage pile on the internet
the title of this entry is scrambled cause my thoughts are scrambled
i cant focus on things
my brain just shuts down and it feels like i’m drowning
thinking is overwhelming