Lost it in Self-Improvement, 2018

You guys. I have completely and utterly lost my emotional shit. I’m sitting here at work with tears streaming down my face. Luckily I have my own office and only two coworkers and one of them took the day off and the other likes to stay in his office just as much as I like to stay in my office. I just got off the phone with one of our employees down in NM. It was a 26 minute conversation of me trying to walk her through filling out her timecard online, and I had to fight every urge to not breakdown and start crying to the point that it would be noticeable to someone on the other line. And she was nice. It wasn’t like talking to an angry person. My emotions are just not. But I made it through all 26 minutes. That will stand as my victory of the day.

I was going to go to the football game on Saturday and stand on the sidelines with the team, but apparently they are having a player shortage for this game. From what I saw on FB, they have 12-13 “healthy enough” players for the game. Which means they’ll only have 1-2 players to rotate in at any given time. It would look like a pretty bad dick move for me to show up and not volunteer my body as an active player when I appear physically okay enough to play. But I am not okay enough to play. The plays have all changed, I know none of them, I haven’t been to practice, I’m out of shape, I have no fight and no willingness to throw my body at another human being. So I’m not going because I don’t want to be the dick on the sidelines showing up for moral support when I could be playing. One of the players actually did reach out to me last night asking if I wouldn’t mind coming back for just one game. When I told her my reasons of why I didn’t think it would be safe for me or any of the other players for me to be out of that field playing, she didn’t want to accept them. Which pissed me off. Why are you trying to pressure someone into playing who has already stated she is done for the season, hasn’t been to practice or kept up with the play changes, and just admitted that she’s not willing to make a tackle? Why can’t people just accept and move on. I’m sorry the team is down players, but I’m just one person, that doesn’t all fall on my shoulders.

Ughhhhh. I did go to the book club meet and greet last night, so I did get some socializing in last night. But then I got home and remembered just how truly and utterly alone I am. And I kind of fell apart. I made my next appointment with my therapist 3 weeks out from my last appointment instead of my normal 4, so my next appointment isn’t this coming Monday, but the following one. I feel like I need to have a good & ugly in-session cry so that I can tell her my exact emotions as I’m feeling them, but so far I haven’t been able to do that. the only crying I’ve done since getting back in with her was during the last appointment over Thor the cat. I’m hoping I can allow myself to “feel enough” in order to breakdown while I’m in with her.

Like I get its up to me to make positive changes in my life, I get it.