Stuck in my head in The Rant Dump

It’s 1pm. I’ve been ruminating since I woke up at 6am today. Been a long time since I wrote an entry here. I am doing it now to sort myself out.

Got diagnosed with Depression last, let’s see… March? What lead me to seek for help? A decade of feeling bad, a couple of months feeling worse, and bad dysfunctional weeks.

I saw the sign of my worsening depression last November when I bought an expensive bike to make myself do things. I kept buying things to feel better. December came; boyfriend was gonna visit at the end of the month. Got a prescription for pills to control my nonstop bleeding from the implant. Winter months make it worse, hormones make it worse, the sacrifices I had to do at work to get my vacation time granted made it worse, my looming board exam made it worse, my insecurities make it worse, my immediate home environment make it worse. God.

I worked hard to fix up a wonderful vacation for the boyfriend (we’re in LDR). Both as a Christmas gift and a birthday gift. Arranged a couple of activities all paid for, all planned out. He ended up getting sick the very first day– food poisoning. We stayed in the motel most of the time. I can’t get refunded for anything. I never told him. I don’t know what to get him for his birthday as an alternative. I’m strapped for cash, and I can’t think of anything special. I’m kind of stressed out.

January came. Depression got worse. I decided to communicate more with him, be a bit more open with him. When I start to feel bad about something, I try to tell him. But. Boy, I do tell him but it comes out harshly. He gets defensive, he gets hurt. End of January, he texts me that we needed to talk. I have come from an evening shift that day. We talked all night until the next morning, 5am. I have to go to work at 5am. The moon was red and full that morn.

He said he just wanted to be friends. Nothing direct like “I’m breaking up with you” or “we’re over”. I asked what was going on. He didn’t know. I blamed myself, I knew how I’ve been acting. He said it’s not my fault. He said something was wrong with him. I asked some questions, all he had to say was “I don’t know”. I believed it. Put trust in it. Also told me that he’d be happy if I found someone else. We had no future together. Next day, we texted as if we’re still good friends. All of a sudden, “I need space.”

Didn’t talk to me for months.

I kept blaming myself. I crashed hard. Couldn’t get up from the bed. I couldn’t eat. My sleep was fucked up. I couldn’t think properly. I was not just unhappy, I was devastated. I had no close friends to talk to. My coworkers were supportive. I burned myself out with Badminton with them, until my body got so exhausted it hurt to move. There was a night when I became desperate I hunted for Discord servers that would offer to talk to troubled people like me. I found nothing. I made a reddit post on a gaming subreddit and asked for friends. It was overwhelming.

I met a couple of guys after the break up. So funny how they came into my life.

First was Thomas. Uber driver. Fun conversation. I was on my way to work. He offered that he take me to the nearby hiking park, I had time to spare. It was relaxing, it took my mind off things. We talked about a lot of great things, about life. I cracked and cried. He hugged me. Then kissed me. I had to pull away. It was comforting to have someone there but it felt wrong to me. I did not want those boundaries crossed.

Second was Roy. Another Uber driver. Fun conversation. Ended up talking about how it’s hard to make friends. We decided to become friends. We went out for a hike when we first met up together. He drove like crazy in his sporty Lexus. I enjoyed the hell out of it. The hike itself was fun. And then he started asking for sex. I laughed it off and said no. It kept on going until late that night. He declared that he was my boyfriend and all that. I said no. After we parted ways, he’d still push it. I stopped replying.

Third was Vincenzo. He was my co-passenger in my Uber ride. He found it funny that I tried to avoid him by sitting in the front seat. Stoke up a conversation with me. Fun conversation. I could tell he was intelligent and had similar humor with me. I wanted to be friends with this guy. Finally, someone I can hang out with in person. He asked if I’d be interested to have wine at his apartment. Coworker snatched my phone and texted “tonight”. I explained all that and, well, we did end up hanging out later that night.

He admitted to me that he prepped a lot for me. I thought it was cute. Got our wine, talked about whatever, it was great. He’d make advances, like he’d take off his jacket, show off his muscles (it was crazy how he was ripped - thought he was skinny). Sat closer to me. We ended up lying down on the carpeted floor. He held me and I thought it was funny and comforting at the same time. All that time, I thought the entire thing was funny. Yeah, I was pretty drunk already. Of my own choice. I kept chugging down wine. We would have done it but it felt wrong to me. I said no.

Nothing happened. I had to go home. He called an Uber for me. It was nice. But somehow, I knew we both wanted different things. I wanted a friend, he wanted a, well, whatever the hell it was. Didn’t contact each other since then.

These encounters made me wary about men’s intentions and sex. I feel like a tool.

Then that reddit post I made. I got responses from it. Most of them, I was uncomfortable with, like it took some special effort to keep them in my life. Those were tiring so I let them go. Peter found me though; it was easy to talk to him. Never demanded much, he listened, empathized. But well, he’s also depressed. He tends to be a real downer when we talk. That was hard on me too. We still talk to this day but I lessened it. I tend to feel bad whenever he becomes a downer; I can’t afford to damage my psyche anymore.

A couple other people I met through reddit that were okay; like Jamie. He got too clingy and I felt like he wanted something more with me. I didn’t have that kind of time nor energy, and that insane clinginess would burn me out. Justin, he was fun, but I wasn’t that comfortable. Bzorkyarm lives near me but I’m not that comfortable either. There were others but, damn, I feel bad for being picky so much.

Doctor prescribed me Prozac 20mg. First two days I took them, I felt different. I felt free. It was so light. Life was easy. But I didn’t want to risk altering anything in me. I stopped it even though it helped me. I read about possible permanent sexual dysfunction. I know it’s kind of immature to choose to retain the ability to enjoy sex over fixing depression, but I want to live life fully and I don’t want anything taken away from me. I went to group therapy instead.

Group therapy composed of lessons about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It was good. I learned how to handle my psyche, recognize the negative thought processes, how to actually handle them and change them. It takes dedicated effort and energy to do them. But hey, I’m doing something.

Ex said via an email that he’ll contact me when he can. I decided that he will never contact me anymore. He did, around late March. I kind of knew. If he would do so, I knew it would be on a school break.

It was so strained, so formal, so detached. I did my best to stop caring, to just wrap things up like he originally wanted, did my best to let go and not expect and ask for anything.

He told me that he broke up with me because of how I supposedly manipulate him and use the functional ideas that I have about his psyche to hurt him right where it’s really bad. I didn’t bother protesting, defending, offering my own thoughts about it, no. He would not have been receptive of it and would view it as me denying it, or just not seeing it. His word is law. I feel like a fucking doormat. But hey, he’s hurting. I’ll be mature and handle it. He wouldn’t be like that if nothing was wrong. And I was the source of that hurt. It’s the least that I can do to make things go in a positive direction.

Along the way, he kept contacting me; he started getting more comfortable with me. I merely enjoyed it, and never bothered to think that we’ll be back together. To be honest, I expected that he will not be contacting me again after we have that talk. But hey, he keeps approaching. To the point that he’s back to telling me he loves me.

Because of the poor communication we had in the past, I made a point to force myself to improve that. I forced myself to talk more even though I didn’t feel like doing so. It required so much effort, and thoughtfulness, for me to do that. And when I am feeling bad, I try to be mindful of the way I bring it up, so that he can get the message without getting burned.

He told me he felt lonely back then because I never talked much. He probably didn’t know much about me either. So I decided to share some stupid things with him. Like how I was a roleplayer back in the day.

He capitalized on that. He thought I did that for sex. He likes to satisfy me that way. He would do anything I remotely like just to get me off. Which is fantastic, but it goes bad when you miscommunicate. He found someone for me to roleplay with; a girl who wanted me to dominate her. That he’d show me the kind of roleplaying that he did to see if I would like it. He was doing this for my sake, supposedly.

I made it clear to him that I still had feelings for him, how I am very monogamist in nature. That how these things hurt me deeply. That I won’t stop him from doing whatever he wanted, that he’s free to do anything, but I wanted him to know what was going on in my head too. Especially when he’s crossing my emotional boundary, saying that he loves me. We’re not back together, there are no promises, no commitment, but my emotional boundaries are crossed. I can’t lie about the way I feel. So, in my mind, I just decided: he can’t have both. If he still wants to fool around with other people, I will simply detach myself and leave. No demands. Let him be happy, let me not suffer.

Very recently we had a serious talk. He told me about this hook up with that girl. Said that as soon as I told him how it affected me, he dropped it. The girl got mad. But at the very beginning of their interaction, he said he made it clear that whatever him and the girl have are secondary because of what he has with me, and he wanted me to use her for my pleasure; just for fun.

He’s been doing this for me before. I have strong masculine tendencies, so he did offer to me before if I wanted to sleep with a girl, or have a threesome. I thought it was sweet of him to do that for my sake. But I suspected whether he did that for his own sake too, and that he’s just using me as an okay pass to do that. He never did answer me clearly about that when I asked. I told him that I only really wanted him. He would say that “it’s just sex”. I stopped arguing. What do I know. I’m new at this.

He said that he let me go because he needed to be free from me, and not necessarily to be with anyone else. He tried to hookup with people to get rid of me in his system. Even did it with one of our gaming friends, whom I call my sister. She’s fucked up in the first place and she’s been manipulating us. I think he’s a victim of her too. I don’t talk to her anymore. She doesn’t know that I know.

He told me how sex has a strong influence on him, how he becomes dependent and vulnerable with whoever it is he is with, and feeling that way with me again brings him back to that dark time when I thoroughly burned him. I don’t know exactly how he was affected, but from the way he says things, it was pretty severe that it affected his basic functioning, important stuff like college, and who knows what else.

He said he still feels some of that threat even though we’re being intimate again. He doesn’t feel totally comfortable. Also mentioned that sometimes, he does get curious how it’s like to be with a girl with no strings attached. Also I remember that offhand comment how he enjoys helping people get off. This is definitely something I need to get clear on one of these days.

It’s what I’ve been ruminating about today. I’m insecure that he still intends to do this especially if and when we do get back together. We did talk about wanting a future together, talked about kids, serious stuff. But we’re not committing to anything because he still feels scared of me. I still have a lot of growing to do, yes, but I feel so much pressure because it really feels like it’s all up to me.

And, in the back of my mind, I also wonder if he still wants to fool around with people, even if it’s just for fun. I’d love to do things that makes him happy but these are one of the few things that I just can’t give. It hurts tremendously. I wish to be exclusive and have no one else involved, be it seriously or just for fun, not in any manner, in this regard.

That made me question my morals, like whether I’m just living in a fairy tale and that whatever I’m asking for is not realistic. I keep asking and checking myself regarding this, too: whether I’m okay with this and maybe even find it fun to do threesomes or whatever. I probably would have enjoyed that during my bachelor days with people I have no feelings for, but I can’t anymore. I’m in love, I want to be committed, and I want that to be reciprocated back to me.

These are things that I want but do not demand. We are not back together yet. We’re merely testing the waters. More like, him testing me and seeing whether I’m a safe zone or not. And even if we do get back together, it is something that I still do not want to demand. I don’t want to demand anything. If he wants the same things that I do, great. If he doesn’t, then we’ll talk about stuff and I’ll probably choose to let go then.

It’s just so hard right now because he makes me feel very special, he makes it known that he can’t love anyone else than me, and that he wants a family with me. At the same time, he’s dealing with a lot of stressful things, so I don’t want to bring up anything with him for the meantime.

It’s not urgent, but shit it’s killing me inside everyday. I let myself ruminate because sometimes, I do end up finding answers and solutions when I do. I get to process my thoughts and eventually, I stop going around in circles. My ruminating today just happened to be so incredibly bad that I had to use a shit ton of energy to write all of this down as extra help. I’m so stressed out I caught a cold. Not a good sign.

So, game plan.
1. I’ll enjoy my immediate present existence. Enjoy my day. Enjoy when he hangs out with me. Feel good.
2. Focus on me. My growth, how I fix myself. Be busy. Live my life. If this works out, great. If it doesn’t, I still have a life to live. Looking at you, military and med school.
3. Let go of the things out of my control. Whatever he chooses to do, I can’t control that. I’ll just respond accordingly, no biggie.
4. I’ll bring this up with him at a good time. He’s stressed out. I’m not psychologically okay. There will be a good time. If there is none, and the time comes where he asks to have a serious relationship with me, then I’ll bring this concern up first before we make a decision.

I wrote so much it’s unnecessary. But I had to do this to be busy. I do feel better. Sorry future me. It’s a drag to read but this is part of your past. This is what you’ve been through. I think you’ll be interested with how you were like before. You’ll be doing better, future me. Present me is absolute nuts for my age. I have faith in me.

Last updated May 09, 2018