Okay where to start…
Today has been great and bad and then great and then bad again.
I spoke to MJ a bit today and then a post just sent me going and you know what? WRONG. I was WRONG again. I got into this protective shell.. again. This time I managed to knock it off and think clearly. Still messaged her about it like a loon but she understands I think? I think she does. MJ is good at that and I need to remember that she is.
She has other shit going on I just wish I knew things. Like I have inclinations from shit and I knew that it was my inclination but of course no. My brain goes:
“NO YOU AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH. SHE WISED UP AND NOW SHE IS GONE. HAHAHA! SHE DOESN’T LET YOU IN ANYWAY SO SHE IS GONNA LEAVE THIS TIME! HAHHA! SEE THAT?! THERE ALREADY IS SOMEONE ELSE! HOW EASY YOU ARE TO REPLACE YOU LOSER!!!!”
Awkward little shit. Asshole little shit of a brain.
I try to say:
“No, she isn’t like that. She is healing. She is doing what she needs to do and we aren’t speaking because well, she has her reasons.”
“SHE SAYS ITS CAUSE SHE DOESNT LIKE PEOPLE! SHE DOESNT LOVE YOU!! HAHA SHE DOESNT EVEN LIKE YOU ENOUGH TO TALK TO YOU!”
“No”
“But she does. Right? I mean, she is never there? You guys talk what? every so often and she doesn’t talk to you the way she used to. What’s that about? You honestly think its because of something in her?”
“I don’t know”
This makes me cave in and this makes me go after her. My protective self… mode activated!
“PLEASE TELL ME I AM THE ONLY ONE CAUSE IF I AM NOT I GOTTA MOVE ON AND I AM SO SORRY BUT MY HEAD SAYS YOU HATE ME”
Oh.
That was your best friend? Yeah. I remember you had one of those that wasn’t me anymore. No. I don’t feel replaced. Yes. I do feel replaced. Who the hell am I kidding?
I was her best friend.
She is still my best friend but she isn’t holding me there anymore. What did I do? Why are you replacing me? She isn’t.
God, I don’t know anymore.
I enjoy spending my days alone. Days I am not working on the house or working at my jobs, its just nice to be alone and work on art. Or do other things on my own. But I wanted that company. Her company. I don’t get it anymore.
She may not be romantic with this guy which I know she isn’t but he has all of her attention. I continue to look in from the outside. Looking in. I know what I did wasn’t right. She says I didn’t fail her but she knows damn right I did.
Only time can heal the wound and I dunno if the wound will heal. I don’t want to move on until I know for sure that we are done. This chapter doesn’t feel over yet. It feels so much longer. This feels like such a weird chapter.
I need to remove myself from her social media.
I already took her off my see first on Facebook. Took her off my notifications on Tumblr and Twitter.
The only thing is Snapchat which… I will try my best to remember to respect her when I go through her story. I have to remember that she … she doesn’t want me in all the way. She’s letting me see these pieces and that’s it. It’s all I got until… until well, I dunno?
I hate not knowing this.
If you know me, you know I am a know it all. I’m not a smart guy or at least I don’t consider myself smart at all but .. I know stuff. I pride myself on knowing. She is so important to me and not knowing the most important things about her days is really getting to me but.. I can endure. I have to. Patience is key.
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