I have a chronic pain disorder and a spinal disorder. They both cause me to have, you guessed it, wide spreed pain all over my body. I don’t get a break from this mind you. It is constant. The pain feels like fire ants biting and ripping my flesh apart. Horrible. I try to be vocal about it because I used to keep a lot of the pain hidden. People didn’t see how badly I was hurting and they assumed I was lazy or I was just not doing enough. That was not the case at all.
I was also seen as distant and quiet. There was something to be said about the distant quiet boy at the back of the room who never opened his mouth to speak unless spoken to. However, raging inside was the boy who wanted to shout and tell everyone off. That little hot head comes out every now and then. He’s hard to control. If you have seen Boku Hero, then you know exactly who that boy is. Hint: He can explode things with his hands and has a bad temper.
Anyway, I’m trying to be more Deku. He speaks his mind but in a way that isn’t aggressive and isn’t over bearing. He still feels rage and he still feels disappointment. He also still makes his mistakes but he is growing. I just want to reflect that within myself. Something I think I always wanted to do.
What does this have to do with me being pain? Well, everything.
That little guy I can’t control, he gets the most out of control when my pain is high. If I work hard, I get into massive pain. I have held myself back recently as much as I can from lashing out at others and being an asshole. As hard as it is, it’s working. It’s not even about anyone us after all. It’s about how much I hurt. How much I want to lie down and give up. Curl up into a ball and cry on someone’s shoulder. That makes me feel vulnerable and if you know anything about being with PTSD, we don’t like that feeling. At all.
Adding the physical pain with the emotional pain and I see how I was the way I was. I understand now why I was a disaster. I’m counting my lucky stars I met MJ now the way I did. There is no way in hell I would have been good for her even 2 years ago. I wasn’t even good for myself.
I think I can finally do that art project for therapy.
Where I have been, where I am now and where I think I will go.
Important questions to ask oneself I think.
Loading comments...