I’m going to write this out and leave out names. Anyone who stumbles upon this who knows me, well, you will know a bit more of the details I guess.
To make this long story short, I fell in love with a girl. She is the most beautiful girl in the world. Her smile is so bright it can light up a million starless skies. I used to think that love was one of those weird things that people spoke about but I honestly never felt it before now. I have romantic attraction before it never left the crush phase. The girls never liked me back. So I always moved on. It wasn’t even something I was upset at the women for, like some men might feel but I was more upset that society would be so mean to trans men. I was also wondering what else was wrong with me that made women not want to date me? I never found the answers.
Anyway, I finally found that woman that liked me back. When we first met, she made me feel amazing. Her voice was the lightest thing and always made me feel this warm feeling inside. Her voice is like a song I can never grow tired of. Each tone is a melody in itself. I can read her moods through her tones. I can sense her spirit. She always dances on my skin.
She always has. Ever since the first time I met her. The first time I heard her voice, I was already head over heels. I didn’t need to see what she looked like. I already knew my romantic attraction was triggered. Seeing her face only sealed the deal.
We met while playing Overwatch. A game I play a lot and will be showing up in this book quite a bit. So, I hope you enjoy nerd stories cause this is a nerd story.
Anyway, back to MJ.
That’s her.
She is the MJ to my Peter Parker as fucking sappy as that sounds. I kinda figured out she had a thing for me too after a while. I knew there was something there. I remember some other things too from that time that I don’t know if she would want me to share with everyone. But then again, she does tell everyone I threw up on mic while playing Destiny so… She used to tell me how much she loved my laugh or she would compliment me. It always made me feel amazing. Like I was on drugs. Totally felt like drugs.
MJ is my missing half. I know that sounds heavy. But she really feels like the missing part to my soul. Like someone I have been looking for. When I’m with her, it feels like I am with myself and that is important to me. I am an introvert you see.
There was a problem. Well, problems.
While we had a mutual attraction, I am much older than her. Twelve years to be exact. This never bothered me but it was there. I am not sure if it ever bothered her. I think she thought about it. I know she did. But for me it was nothing. I guess the way I view things is, we clicked and she was over 18 so what was the harm? That’s something you have to take into account when you are a young single guy playing video games that involve voice chats. Anyway, I digress.
The two MAJOR issues were
She had a boyfriend
She was in Canada.
I live in Miami.
I was single for 6yrs. When she came into my life, I was still picking up the pieces of my shattered life. Hell, I still am in the process of getting back on track but you know, I am further along now. So my point with this is, I HAD NO EXPERIENCE! I’m older than her and my experience is SHIT!!! I only have a bit.
So, we just stayed friends. It was fine with me. I swallowed my feelings and went forward because she was worth it. I wanted a relationship with her regardless of what kind it was. Because you know, women’s friendships are worthwhile even if you are not getting sex an/or romance in return.
Fast forward to about Nov or Dec last year. We have a blow out fight concerning one of our mutual friends, I’ll call him GT.
GT is a 17 year old fabulous gay boy I met playing the game. He has become a very dear friend of mine. He is like a little brother to me actually. We have been through some series ups and downs but I understand him and he understands me. So you can imagine how I felt about her taking another friend’s side in an argument.
The details of that aren’t important.
All you gotta know is that this girl whom I friended on Overwatch, MD caused some issues. She brought in FF and he fucked everything up. GT and FF were friends. Shit happened. MD pitted the squad against GT over something trivial and childish. I believe at that time, MJ was feeling horrible. I think her mental health was kicking her ass but I couldn’t see that. I saw the woman I loved stabbing me in the heart. I didn’t see why she was doing it.
Once I did, it was too late to fix anything. We had already split off.
Those months without her in my life were the worst fucking months. I felt like I was going insane wondering what I had done. That perhaps I was wrong about something and I was too harsh on her. It took me months to realize why she was doing what she was doing. I had heard some things, lightly, about rumors concerning her. I didn’t believe them but I knew they were coming from somewhere. I figured it was more of her wanting to push people away. She was slipping.
That’s when I realized she was hurting.
I couldn’t do a thing about it. So I sat back and watched. As much as I could without going crazy. I protected myself a lot and missed a lot of social media about her.
She came back in late March. After my birthday when things were at the worst for me. The depression was terrible. I wanted to kill myself. In fact, in March, I had tried to take my life once again. I did tell my therapist. I have since controlled myself.
The point is, this is when she came back and told me how she felt. She knew how I felt too. She knew everything about how I felt. She was paying attention to my social media even though she had not reacted to any of my posts. I am pretty social and my social media is an open book. I like to do that because I like to keep people informed and I like to make them laugh. It also has allowed me to make some of the best friends ever from all over the world.
She had known how I was feeling pretty well from that and was very cautious how she told me her feelings. This side of MJ was kind, loving, careful and supportive. She was so beautiful, I couldn’t control my emotions.
I quickly messaged my sister about this.
“OMG she told me! She finally told me how she feels!”
A little while later, MJ takes the plunge and asks me out when she finds out I wanted her too. Made me feel like a teenager again. Weird eh?
I quickly tab back to my sister.
“OMG NOW SHE ASKED ME OUT?!”
-insert gif of someone having a panic attack-
-insert gif of someone going hell yeah-
That was my reaction to this.
I was so scared happy. I was jumping all over the place.
I wasn’t sure if I should say yes.
We both have mental illness.
We both are struggling.
We are both healing.
She warned me that she would change. She warned me that she was going away sometimes. She told me to handle her with care. I didn’t listen to this.
A few weeks later, things are going awkwardly because of me. I was not ready. I wasn’t sure what the hell I was doing and I didn’t talk to her about it. Instead I pretended like everything was okay. She caught me a few times. I don’t know how to be me in these situations cause in my past relationships, I was always someone else.
PTSD. Is. A. Bitch.
I have trust issues that keep people away. I act like someone else and I try to match up with everyone else. That doesn’t work and it doesn’t feel good at all.
I regret doing that with her. Not with her. MJ is too special for that shit. She is too fucking special for that bullshit.
I need to be real with her and I think I was a little too much once I realized what I was doing. Such a dumbass I am.
To make this long story a bit shorter, she pushed me away. She pushed me really far away after some things happened. I don’t want to go into those details either. Just know things changed.
To be honest, I had forgotten about the stories I had heard. I was reminded by GT when I brought something up that concerned me. I wasn’t sure if she was doing something bad again because she is in pain.
I messed up my confrontation. I needed her to know:
Don’t do that again. Why are you going there again? You are worth more.
How it came out:
Horrible thing about horrible stuff.
In other words, I fucked it all up.
I am not perfect.
I am not a nice guy.
I fuck up.
I am an asshole.
I don’t mean to but I think all of us can be assholes from time to time. Because she came back like an asshole too. I don’t blame her at all for it either. I deserved that. Fully.
I said some other shit that I meant. Like I needed to have a place in her life. That she needed to hang out with me and build intimacy with me if we were going to be a couple. I fucked that all up too I am sure.
Anyway, now we are back to snapping each other.
Sending a snap to someone each day forms a streak. We don’t wanna lose ours cause that would mean the relationship is either dead or hurting badly. I learned this the hard way after hurting a younger girl who looked up to me. I felt like an asshole.
Anyway, we still got that streak going together. I couldn’t let it die. I feel like I am still holding her hand even though she can’t see it. Maybe she can’t even feel it but that is how I feel.
I know that I cannot wait forever. It wouldn’t be healthy for me.
However, I will wait for her. I don’t know for how long. I don’t know if other people will pass me by. They might. I know I have a few people who are interested in me but I just don’t feel that way about them. MJ is the woman I want to be with. Right now, there is no one else. I don’t think anyone else will catch my eye to be honest.
I have faith that she will be back. I know she meant what she said.
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