back again in 2018

9:51pm

I’m totally fine right now.

Honestly, I expected to be a little bummed out after Tuesday. Down in the dumps. Hurt, sad, whatever. It wasn’t really that big of a deal. I knew he wasn’t going to show but I did have my hopes up [even if I really didn’t want to!] and so I was sad that he didn’t arrive out of nowhere. Why I expected that, I have no idea! The hopeless romantic in me, or something.

We aren’t those kinds of people though. I knew that. I just didn’t want to admit it. It’s just hard to have such a great time with him, to feel so comfortable, so at ease, so energized by a simple phone conversation, and then have it mean nothing at all.

That’s the theme around here though isn’t it? I always want every thing to mean some thing. I feel things so intensely and I’m always so sure that it’s hard when I start to realize that I’m probably wrong. It always comes down to my gut and feeling like it’s leading me astray.
I hate that feeling.

Tuesday happened the way I sorta figured it would happen, even if I hoped differently, and that’s ok. I don’t know if he’s out of town, or disappeared, or just needing space because I got too close. I know that he’s practically traumatized by whatever happened during his divorce. He mentions it all the time, usually in jokes, but I know it’s real. Something definitely happened there and people let things slip in their jokes. I’ll know more as the years go on but I can see how, and why, he’d push me away if I got “too close.”
Or there’s some other perfectly reasonable explanation and some day I might get to hear about that too. I am surprised he didn’t respond if he does have access to his email and just completely ignored it, but it is what it is. The real story will come out eventually.

I am feeling fine. I’m okay with it. Like I said, it’ll all come out eventually. I will still enjoy our conversations when they happen. I guess maybe I just needed a reminder of all the reasons I kept saying I wasn’t going to get attached again this year. I was going to stand back and make sure I separated what we are and what I wanted us to be.

Hey World! I got the notice. I read the memo! I get it, alright!

But I’m still stubborn and proud so have a little more patience with me. [Just like I do with you!]

Here’s the thing though: I woke up yesterday morning and all I could think about was TF. It wasn’t even intentional. He’s been more of a fleeting thought than a constant memory lately. Seeing him last week obviously kicked things up just a little but not really. I wrote about that. It was totally normal. Maybe some of the thoughts were sparked by the fact that I was going to see his brother at noon yesterday.

I don’t know though. He’s back on my mind. And I can’t say it’s the worst thing ever. The same thing happened this morning. It’s fine. I always knew I’d stay connected to him. I’m not ignoring everything that happened. I’m certainly not trying to think about it either. It still hurts. But I know that it didn’t work for a reason. I also know that I’m still attracted to him. That if I were anyone else I would jump on the casual bandwagon and have my way with him. It certainly wouldn’t be terrible. That intense chemistry isn’t there right now but I don’t think it would take much to reignite it. He’s still the only one I’ve ever wanted in that way. It’s just hard because I know that it was terrible. We didn’t get each other at all but I still think we have some kind of crazy connection I cannot explain.

Maybe it was bad timing. Maybe it was life, the universe, or everything. All I know is that letting go of anyone else has been easy, the thought of letting go of him forever tugs at so many heartstrings. I’d do it if I had to, but I’m not sure I want to yet.

I’m back to wanting to contact him again. Getting close to, and joking with, his brother didn’t help. He seems a little bit broken, and I have a freaken savior complex, so I want to help him. I know it’s not my responsibility though. I can’t save the world.
I am still contemplating the idea of asking to go on a hunt to get pictures. I really want to do it but I’m shy, and nervous, and afraid of the unknown. I’m almost tempted to ask Lucas instead of TF, but I don’t think I could go there. Perhaps after this next travel session I’ll give it some more thought. Things are good between us right now so it could be a great time to get it all done. Win-win. We’ll see.

I’ve got a crazy few days coming up but I’ve decided that I’m definitely going to take it one day at a time. If I forget to pack something, oh well. If I leave something at home, too bad. If a client waits until the last minute to contact me, after I say I’m leaving town, not much I can do about that. I’m tired of worrying about everyone else. I’m going to enjoy myself. I’ve been looking forward to this time off for a long time, not to mention my big birthday, and I am going to enjoy every freaken second and forget about the rest. Better to ask for forgiveness than permission, no? ;)

Bed time now. Must sleep to prepare for the crazy.

rose.
11:13pm

Last updated May 04, 2018